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Just when I thought everything was about to hit rock bottom... all my friends start popping up out of the woodwork. I've gotten calls from Lucy, Candi, and Alice. Aiko says that Dane is back in town. It's nice to have people to talk to now. I even got a call from some of my old officers in ISSP. I had almost forgotten what my voice even sounded like... I use it so rarely now. My throat actually hurts from talking as much as I have in the past week.

Still no word from Mikado. He won't talk to me, or the kids. Oksana is taking it really hard... but I have no idea how to help her. I know better than most what it feels like to be abandoned, but I dealt with it in ways that I don't want her to learn about... so what do I do? She's off at school, and I work as much as I'm able to, in order to pay for her and Seiichi and Jin to get the best education available. I'm starting to think that her getting in trouble with the police was just a warning of what's to come. If not for Simon and Nathyrra, she'd be in jail, and I don't think she cares. She tried a dozen times to call her father for help when they were chasing her, but she didn't call me until after it was dealt with. And of course, her father didn't even bother to answer her. So she's understandably angry. I don't want to foster that anger, or tell her it's okay to hate him, but what can I do? I feel sort of the same way she does. It's incredibly cruel and unfair, what he's done. I'm surprised at how unaffected Seiichi and Jin are. They're far closer to me, and Jin is really too young to understand what's happening anyway. By the time he was old enough to realize someone was missing, Mikado was already gone, so all he knows is me anyway.

I'm just so angry and hurt, and I have no way to really vent that anger. If it was just me that was hurting, it would be different. I could put that aside and go on with my life. But my kids hurting? That's something entirely different. He's really close to waking the mama bear, and that's something he just doesn't want. I know he's seeing someone else... I just don't know who. He'll need Jesus if I ever find out.

Entry #38 ( I'm stupid. )

I have based my entire life on the ideal of true love overcoming everything... I spent half of my life and all of my energy on it. I put all my hope and faith in one person.

 

I've learned that all of that is complete bullshit. I wasted my life. Wasted my heart. My worst fear was always being alone. Now I have a lifetime of alone time to overcome that fear.

 

I have to keep a strong appearance for my children, but I want nothing more than to cry, to scream... to throw things at him until he realizes he's ruining everything. We promised each other. We swore that no matter what, we would always be. We were lost to each other for ten years... no memory of each other... and yet, we met again, in the darkest of times, just as before. How could that go wrong?

 

Forever is a lie.

 

I know the truth now. Where do I go from here?

Tidus was always a bit odd. He seemed normal enough at first, but I quickly learned just how out of touch with reality he was. We started off working together in ISSP, but I didn't know him much. He was one of my superiors. As I rose in the ranks, I began to make a bit of a name for myself, and I suppose we got to know a little more about each other. I was having a lot of trouble at home because of Hayden, and I usually ended up drinking to try and erase the pain I was feeling and mask how miserable I was. 

One night, I was on the Omega, drinking pretty heavily at the bar. I don't remember leaving, but I'm assuming I didn't make it far before I passed out, because later on I woke up in the conference room down the hall. I was laying on one of the couches, and I noticed that my head was resting in someone's lap. There was a cold press on my head, and I was covered up. I opened my eyes and as I looked up, I noticed that Tidus was the one sitting with me. He had been there all night, taking care of me and making sure I was alright. As I laid there, we talked a bit, and we ended up bonding pretty quickly. I was desperate for someone to show me something besides violence, and he was kind to me. We ended up going out on a date, and our relationship escalated quickly. I think we were married within a couple months or so. 

The more time I spent with him, the quicker I learned that he was a bit unstable. He was prone to bouts of depression, and he even had a couple psychotic episodes here and there. I usually managed to calm him down, but sometimes it scared me. He was a loving husband at first, though, and so I tolerated it because he didn't beat me and showed me affection. I ended up pregnant, but I miscarried because of an accident on the Omega. I'm thankful for it now, and honestly, I was thankful back then. I didn't want another child at that point. Oksana was getting older, and getting ready to start school, and my life was complicated enough as it was. Soon after that happened, Tidus started disappearing. He would stay gone for days, and sometimes weeks at a time.

He left ISSP before he disappeared, and ended up joining WTS. During one of his numerous absences, Nathyrra and I left ISSP as well and ended up in WTS. Things were going relatively well. I was learning a new way of life as a criminal ( or a mercenary.. I was both ) and raising Oksana as far away from my job as I could. I was becoming close friends with Lucy, my former enemy. I was finally away from Hayden. Lucy knew about the stuff he did to me.. we kind of bonded over hating him. She protected me from him on a number of occasions.. despite our relationship now, I'm still thankful that she helped me with him. Back then.. and recently as well.

Back to Tidus, however.. he stayed gone for months towards the end. He had started having more frequent episodes, and we fought more, and I couldn't handle his instability. It was hard on me, and hard on Oksana. After those months were up, he just reappeared one day. I went to the spaceport and got on the Cougar.. I wasn't working, and was headed to Mars for some shopping. Oksana was with me, because I was getting her things for school, and I wanted to let her pick out some things. We stepped into the cockpit, and Tidus was standing there. I didn't know what to think. I just stood there, staring at him. Oksana hid behind me.. she was always a bit scared of Tidus. He was quiet for a bit, but he started to ramble and talk to himself.. I don't know if he even noticed me, but I knew he was out of it. This was far worse than he had ever been. 

I stepped forward to try and help him, telling Oksana to go down to the hatch and wait for me. As I moved forward, he pulled out a dagger. I wasn't sure if he was going to attack me, but I had been in many a fight by then, so I had no intention of backing down, or fleeing.. I wouldn't give him the chance to attack me from behind. I was a couple feet from him, and was going to try to grab the dagger from him before he could do either of us any harm, but he was too fast. He jabbed the sharp end of the dagger into his neck. He fell to the floor of the ship and bled out fairly quickly. I didn't even try to save him. I think I wanted him gone.. but even if I wanted to help, there was nothing I could do. He bled too quickly. I just stood there, staring at the blood oozing across the floor for a few moments, before I heard crying behind me.

Oksana had turned back when she heard him move, thinking that he was attacking me.. she saw it all. She just stared at his body, her eyes wide. She was terrified at all the blood. I scooped her up in my arms and ran off the ship, running into Lucy just outside the spaceport. She saw me covered in blood and asked what happened. After I told her, she went to clean the mess up. I took Oksana home and cleaned us both up. She was hysterical.. it took me a long time to calm her down. I tried to explain it all to her, and tell her that he was sick. I'm not sure if she remembers it, or how it affected her. She seems pretty unaffected by it. I later found out that when Lucy went to try and get rid of Tidus's body, it was gone. Only the blood was left behind. I didn't use the Cougar after that.

Tidus would end up coming back into my life here and there, but after that, I had lost all feeling for him. I pitied him, but that was all. He's gone for good now, I think.. and it makes me happy to know it. I was unstable enough to begin with.. I didn't need him making things worse and having more of an effect on Oksana. I didn't have much time to worry about it though, because I got quite busy after that. War broke out between RDS and WTS, and ISSP took the side of the Dragons. My life was about to change drastically..
I winced, letting out a small cry as I slid down the wall of the ship, falling to the floor in a heap. I just laid there, pretending to be unconscious, praying that he would finally stop. I tried to look as dead as possible while still bracing in case he decided to hit me again, and sure enough, he delivered a swift kick to my gut, causing me to cough uncontrollably in an attempt to regain my breath. After a few minutes, I managed to gasp in a breath, and he just stood there, laughing at me. Why did I get myself into this all over again? Hayden was no better than Kevin. He was pretty much the same.. obsessive, overprotective, jealous, psychotic.. he would turn on me for no reason. Though I suppose my own weakness was enough for a person like him. He took advantage of me simply because he could.

After all those years at Soukai, I really had no idea what it was like to live in the outside world. I was too naive and too trusting. I should have known that most people were the same or worse than what I dealt with as a kid. After what I had been through, I should have been paranoid and distrusting of everyone. But I was the complete opposite. Hayden showed up in my life at a time where I would have had nothing.. I would have starved, and probably had to have turned to something awful to get by and make sure Oksana had a place to stay and food to eat. I think he saw how vulnerable I was. He didn't have to try hard to fool me. He just put on a friendly smile and told me exactly what I needed to hear. I thought he was doing it out of kindness, but he really just wanted something in return.. something that I wasn't willing to give.. but just like the last time, it didn't matter how willing I was. He'd take it for himself if he had to. Which was what ended up happening quite a few times.  I was starting to think that all men were like that.. and that was just how it was supposed to be.

As I lay on the floor of the Battle Cruiser, trying desperately to will myself to get up, I really thought that he would kill me. I feared for what would become of Oksana. She was with Svetlana, and I hoped that her nanny would continue to care for her, or find her a family to live with. Hayden had no interest whatsoever in my daughter. He pretty much acted as if she never existed, and I never took her around him. I'm not sure if he realized I had a child.  I hoped he wouldn't find out. 

I finally got my breath back, but I didn't move, afraid he would hit or kick me again. He called me a few names and threw my clothes to the floor next to me. Apparently he had gotten his use out of me that time, and was through with me. Once he was satisfied that I was injured enough, he turned and left. After I was sure he was gone, I crawled to the bathroom, sobbing quietly. The cold tile hurt my skin, but it was enclosed. I locked the door behind me and turned the shower on. I felt like I was right back at Soukai after the first time Kevin raped me. I crawled into the searing hot shower, scrubbing myself until my skin was raw. I don't know how long I stayed there, but I eventually just passed out beneath the flow of the water. 

It took me a while to heal from that. I healed quicker than a normal person would, but of course a normal person would have had to be hospitalized. The more I thought about it, the more I figured that life was supposed to be that way for me. So I just gave in. I became what Hayden wanted me to be, just to avoid him beating me and taking advantage of me. I wore the clothes he liked, and acted how he wanted me to. I hated myself, but I couldn't get away from him. I began to get into drinking a bit more, though I always refused to use the drugs Hayden had. I had enough of those at Soukai. I started to get in trouble.. Hayden was a criminal, and I usually ended up getting into the same trouble as him, though I did manage to get a bounty on my own a few times. If anything else, Hayden was a good shield to hide behind. 

Bounty hunters tried to catch me, and strangely enough, Mikado was one of them. I would always hide behind Hayden though, and I found out much later that Mikado thought I was just a whore. Hayden had a lot of women, not just myself, and Mikado just lumped me in with the rest of them. I think most people did. I can't say I blame them. I was an awful person back then. I'm not sure why Mikado didn't hunt me down and kill me when I wasn't with Hayden. He says that something stopped him. Back then, I sort of wished he would. I had no idea who he was, though there was still something about him that I really couldn't explain. Something that stirred something in my heart. I didn't dare ask, or show any interest at all. Besides, he had made it clear exactly what he thought of me. Much later, that interest would only grow, as I've written.

When I got my job with ISSP, I really thought that I could get away from Hayden, but it was hard. It took intervention to get me away from him. I had taken to drinking heavily, and was passed out on the Omega one day, when I woke up to someone taking care of me. I was covered with a blanket, and my head was resting on someone's leg, with a cool cloth resting on my forehead. I looked up into a pair of big, blue eyes, with light blonde hair covering them. I vaguely recognized the person as Tidus, a fellow officer of mine. We hadn't spent much time together, and I thought that he was interested in Nathyrra, however much she may have turned him down. He gave me a smile and just sat there with me while I recovered from a rather awful hangover. He would end up being the one to save me from Hayden, though he ended up abandoning me shortly after.. but that's another blog altogether.

As for Hayden.. he came and went.. managing to piss everyone off over the years. I avoided him for the most part, and I think that once I started to heal and become more assertive, and make a place for myself, he knew better than to contact me. I had become friends with another of his enemies: Lucy. He didn't dare speak to me, or approach me.. until recently.

I was on Ganymede, getting a bit of fabric from the fabric store.. and lo and behold, but who was there, posing as a GLM? Hayden. He approached me, attempting to act polite. I gathered my purchases and walked right by him. I paid and left the store, heading back to my ship. Mikado was busy with paperwork, and I didn't want to bother him just because I ran into Hayden. I thought that would be it, but he called me and started bothering me, asking stupid questions and trying to get me to bounty him. I finally had enough. I called Lucy and told her to meet me at Ganymede dock, and waited. When she arrived, we hunted him down and dragged him into an alley. He had treated Lucy a lot like he treated me, and we finally got our revenge. We beat him to death and just left him there. I don't know if his body has been found yet, and I really don't care. I'll suffer the consequences for my actions.. it was completely worth it. I'm happy that he's dead, and happy that I got to do it.

Entry #35 ( Family isn't everything. )

When I was young.. as early as I can remember, until I was about 7, I lived with a family. I thought they were my family. There was a man, Yuri Ranevskanova, and his wife, Galina. They had three children. I only recall one of my "brothers", but I really believed that these people were my blood relatives. 

Galina was a cruel, cold woman. She had a very cold beauty about her. Her hair was a dark, dark brown. She always wore it up somehow. I remember her being very picky about her hair. Her makeup was always perfect. Her skin was very pale, and she had big, seductive green eyes. She was one of those women who used what she was given to get what she wanted. She was a member of RDS, and apparently a friend to one of the scientists at Soukai. She was rarely around, and when she was, she was mean to me. She doted on the boys, bringing them gifts and told them many stories of her travels and the people she met. For me, she brought nothing, and she would yell at me and shoo me away when I tried to get close.  I grew to hate her.

Yuri was kinder. He was a military man, a mercenary, I would come to find out. I remember that he was a tall, burly man, with a wild beard and big, rough hands. He wasn't a kind, fatherly person by any means.. but he didn't yell or throw things. He would always make sure I got dinner and had a blanket to sleep with. I remember when I was 5, he brought me a little teddy bear to keep me company. I lost it whenever I went back to Souaki, though. 

When I finally escaped Soukai, I fled to Mars, and I ran into one of my "brothers". I had no idea who he was at that point. I was serving as an officer in ISSP, and we worked together. His name was Dio. We became friends, and eventually began discussing our families, and we found out we had the same father. It was wonderful to have someone I thought I was related to.. but it wouldn't last. I found out one of the many false stories about my past, and I thought I was someone else. Dio eventually disappeared, and was found dead in an alleyway, this throat slit. He had developed a drug problem, and despite my best efforts, I could never get him to give up the habit. He was murdered over a drug deal gone wrong.

One of the false stories I learned was that my name was Seriah Dinesty. I thought that I was a farm girl from Iowa, and that I had family there. I was told I had a twin brother named Yonas.. this person exists, but he's not my brother. I met him.. and he is a wonderful person. He's a pilot for the Titan Freedom Corp. He seemed very happy to have a sister. I was heartbroken when I learned that this was also a lie. Yonas is alive and well, thankfully. He worked for Soukai for a while, alongside the man that I was created from. Now he is on Titan, from what I hear from Nathyrra, and he's doing well.  

Before this happened, when I found out that my life with the Ranevskanovas was a lie, and I learned of Dio's death, I grew angry. I had so many false memories in my head.. lies and images that Kevin planted there. I had no idea who I was or where I had been.. but I remembered Galina. I saw her in Ganymede one day. She had no idea who I was until I told her. She thought that I was coming to her for a handout.. for money. That made me more angry.. I had never asked her for a single thing, and she saw me as nothing more than a greedy beggar. I took her into an alley and just started hitting her. When I finished, there was hardly anything left. She was strewn about the alley and blood was everywhere.. all over the walls, all over me.. I didn't even care. I just left her there and wandered the city. Nathyrra eventually found me and made sure that the situation was taken care of. That is the single most violent, brutal thing I have ever done. I never found Yuri, and I have no idea where he is, or if he is even still alive. If I ever find him, I am not sure what I would do. I may kill him as well.

Eventually, I learned that I have no real parents. I was created in a laboratory. The family I searched so long and so hard for simply doesn't exist. At first, this bothered me. I felt like I wasn't human.. I was just a monster. But then I learned that family isn't based on the blood that flows through your veins. Family is a group of people you care about. I thought I had that too, but it seems that slipped through my fingers. I even had love once, and that was taken away. Now that I've managed to find it again, and I have a man who loves me, and a family I can care for, I will not let anything happen to it. My husband and my children are everything to me. They're all I have. All the money I have, and the things I possess.. they're meaningless without my family. I may not have had parents that cared, and I may have been a horrible mother in the past, like Galina was to me.. but I won't let my children suffer ever again. They won't know the loneliness I knew as a child. They will know that they're loved, and they will always have a safe place to go to as long as I live.

Entry #34 ( Unexpected things )

Mikado has been really busy with paperwork lately, and I'm surprisingly lonely. It's only been a few days, but I just feel bored and restless.. my mind always tends to wander when he's away, and it usually wanders to the past and negative things. I've tried to keep myself occupied, but there's just not much to do. It would have been so much worse before, before I got better, but I still don't like being alone. At least I have the children.

Oksana has been spending a lot of time with Zane. They seem to enjoy playing out in the cold. It snowed recently, and I'm sure they're enjoying it at the park. Seiichi, sadly, has come down with a cold. I've been staying with him and keeping him company. Svetlana offered to care for him, but I wanted to do it myself.. so I've read him books and made him soup, and given him his medicine. He seems happy that I'm around so much.. but I know the kids miss Mikado too. Christmas is coming up, and it will really be the first one we get to celebrate as a happy, complete family. I wish the baby was born to share it with us.

The last Christmas I celebrated was when Dorian proposed to me.. and that is something that I really want to forget. Sometimes it seems like he never existed.. I don't think of him and it doesn't bother me. Other times, it weighs on my mind, as if he's near me and I have to relive all the things I regret. I think I feel restless for other reasons though.

I know Mikado is frustrated with all the work he's had to do.. I can almost feel his aggrivation at times. It's odd that I'm able to tell what he's feeling.. and there are times when he's away that I dream of him. When he was in Japan, away from home, I dreamed of him. In the past, before we remembered each other, I dreamed of him all the time.. before I even knew who he was. It makes me wonder just what kind of connection we have.. I'll have to talk to him about it. 

Entry #33 ( I feel your pain, Mr. Bat. )

I woke up one morning, not bothering to turn over or move much. I knew where I was and I knew there would be no reason to move. I was in my cell, as usual. I laid there for a while, just letting my mind drift. When I finally opened my eyes, it took me a while to realize that I wasn't seeing anything. I sat up, looking around frantically, only I wasn't looking. I was blind. My vision had been getting progressively worse over the months, but I didn't expect to go blind.. and yet here it was. I couldn't see anything. Just that it was dim in my cell. Tears ran down my cheeks as I realized that I would probably be stuck this way. No one would care to fix it.. if they even could. 

I'm not sure how long I sat there.. just trying to figure out what life would be like as a blind person. It really couldn't be much different. I had never seen the sun, or the sea, or anything like that.. how could I miss it? The only thing that really upset me was that I couldn't see Oksana's face. I got up and felt my way over to her bed and picked her up. I felt her little hands on my face.. it was like she knew something wasn't right. She cried a bit, and I cried too. I just hugged her close to me and we eventually both calmed down. The guard brought my breakfast and her bottle, and we both ate. Things were quiet for the most part, until that afternoon.

I heard Kevin coming down the hallway, and as he opened my cell door, I got up and stumbled over to him. I gripped his coat in my hands, looking up at where I guessed his face was. I was so angry. "I'm blind! Look what you've done to me! I can't see!" He grabbed my hands and pushed me back onto the bed. I moved to get back up. I wanted to strike him, to make him hurt for taking my sight. I tried again, with every intention of clawing his eyes out, but I felt a sting in my arm, and I fell back to the bed. He sedated me. "Keep that up and I'll take Oksana away from you." I could hear her crying, and I tried to get up and go to her, but the medicine knocked me out a moment later.

A few hours later, I awoke. It took a moment to remember what had happened, but I sat up, a bit groggy. I called out to Oksana, terrified that he had taken her and hurt her.. but she cooed in response to my voice. I sighed, relaxing a bit, and got up, dizzily making my way to her bed. I picked her up and went back to my bed, sitting down and resting her in my lap, singing to her quietly to make myself feel better.

That evening, Kevin came to me once more. I was still sitting on the bed, and I felt it give as he sat on the other end. He seemed rather calm.. not all pent up and angry like he usually was. It scared me. I could feel his eyes on me for a few moments, and I sat still, holding Oksana close. After a bit, he spoke. "If you do what I tell you, and cooperate with me, then I'll see what I can do about fixing your vision. I don't want any arguing or trying to fight me, or you'll be blind forever. Got it?" I didn't respond. It could be that he was just mocking me.. he probably wouldn't fix it no matter what I did.. but after a few moments, I realized.. what do I really have to lose? If I didn't cooperate with him, who knew what he would do? I had Oksana to worry about. Finally, I nodded. "Alright.. what do you want?" I could feel the smugness in his expression, even if I couldn't see it. "I'm going to take you away from here."

I blinked, surprised at his words. He could tell I was confused, and he laughed a bit. "You're no good if you're sick or injured. Your body needs a break from the testing. Think of it as a vacation of sorts. I'll still be monitoring your behavior and vitals, of course.. to see if you go through withdrawal symptoms and whatnot.. but you won't be given any chemicals." It was too good to be true.. I was going to be free! Sort of. "What about Oksana?" I couldn't just leave her there.. I wouldn't go if she couldn't come with me. I felt him move, and knowing him as I did, I guessed that he was waving a hand dismissively. "Sure, she can come along too. She needs you to care for her, and no one here has time to bother with it." I frowned a little. At the time, I thought she was his daughter, and it saddened me to know that e showed so little interest in her.. that he didn't care at all. But as long as I had her with me, it didn't matter. "Where are we going??" I was praying for somewhere nice.. somewhere that I could feel the sun on my face, and maybe see the ocean. But I wouldn't get that. "We'll be living in Russia for a while." I knew of Russia from my studies.. it was cold there. I was surprised.. it seemed random. I spoke the first thing that came to mind. "Will there be snow?" Kevin just looked at me. "Yes.. why?" He obviously didn't think snow was very important. I may not get the beach, but playing in snow sounded pretty fun too! I smiled a little, hugging Oksana close to me. "Russia sounds nice." Oksana cooed quietly, seeming to share my sentiment. Kevin just shook his head and got up. "I'll buy clothes for you, and for the kid too. There'll be plenty of food, and we'll have a house to stay in. It will almost be like we're a family." His tone at the end of his sentence scared me a bit. He always got a bit creepy when he talked about his feelings for me and such. I didn't say anything, not wanting him to change his mind or become angry. If he wanted to think that, fine. It didn't mean I had to. As far as I was concerned, Oksana was mine. He had very little to do with it. 

I lay down that night, keeping Oksana with me this time. My dreams were filled with snow, furry coats and an icy wonderland. It would be a long time before I would actually see Russia that way though.

It seems things are always changing. I guess this is both good and bad. Some changes make things better, and some just make things worse. It's not that I'm upset about anything in particular, or unhappy in any way, but sometimes it's good to just get everything out and written down so you can look over it and see where it is that you stand in life's great plan.

I finally managed to get myself away from Lucy, and the unheathly relationship I had with her. Mikado finally managed to get me away from her. She's been using me for years, and honestly I just got sick of it. I was just always too nice to get out of it on my own I guess. It makes me a little sad sometimes.. I miss the person I thought she was, but that person's not real. Her only concern is for WTS, and that's where all her loyalty lies. She'd sacrifice me, or anyone else, for WTS in a heartbeat, and that's not the kind of "friends" I need.

Other than that, things are alright. Oksana was injured at school by the boy that was picking on her. Apparently, he brought a knife to school and ended up stabbing her. Zane saved her, endangering his own life. Kaido ended up with the knife in his gut, and he died. I can't say I'm sorry. The boy was obviously troubled, and it's better for Oksana and Zane that he's not there, because he would continue his behavior. Oksana is upset though. She watched him die. She tried to save him, and she feels a bit responsible. I know she'll be alright though. Especially with Zane at her side. Those two are inseperable.

My pregnancy is going well. I'm getting bigger, and kind of wishing that the baby could be born already! I'm excited and a bit stressed out at the same time. I'm in such a precarious situation. I don't want anything to happen to this baby. But Mikado keeps me safe, so I know I'll be alright.

WTS got stomped in a war against RDS. LOL. This is hilarious, because Lucy talks so much shit about her little army of noobs, and RDS spanked them.. RDS consisting of.. Simon. Single-handedly. It's hilarious!!! Of course Lucy has never had a mind for tactics. I've never seen her win a war, but she's too stupid to learn the lesson. That's one of the reasons I quit WTS, and one of the reasons I don't have anything to do with her anymore.

ISSP stays out of most things. We capture bounties when we need to, and that's about it. I like it that way. I've heard rumors of really bad things, like Hayden being back around, but I won't believe anything until I see it for myself. If he's back, then I'm definitely keeping to myself. I don't think I could keep myself from ripping his face off if I had to be near him. I hate that bastard.

Entry #31 ( Later that night )

As I slept, I had nightmares about the occurances of that day. I saw Kevin's face swimming before me in the darkness, laughing cruelly and mocking me. I felt his hands on my skin, felt the fear and hatred I had for him.. and that same contaminated, dirty feeling as before. I tossed and turned on my small cot, thrashing about and trying to escape the scenes playing in my head. I tried desperately to wake up, as I knew I had to be having a bad dream, but I was trapped, unable to get away from it. I don't know if I was screaming aloud, but I certainly was in my head.. it was terrifying, being trapped in a nightmare all the time.. it even haunted me in my dreams.

Suddenly, everything in my head came to a stop. I heard screaming that was not my own. It seemed like that only lasted a moment before everything went silent. The lack of sound was so intense that my head actually hurt from it. I couldn't see anything, but suddenly I felt an intense surge of anger, and I knew these feelings weren't mine.. but who's were they? I struggled to find out where these sensations were coming from, when suddenly, my vision returned, and I was behind someone. It was a boy.. his hair was dark, and a bit messy at the moment. He was on his knees in the middle of a room, surrounded by people laying on the floor. They looked dead. I just stared at him, shocked as I recognized him immediately. He was the boy that I kept dreaming about! After the surprise of it wore off, I tried to reach for him, calling out to get his attention. Just before I reached his shoulder to grab him, I was shaken violently and I woke up.

I fought against whatever was shaking me, and as I opened my eyes, I came face to face with Kevin. I blinked, trying to push away the effects of being awoken so suddenly. He glared at me, giving me another little shake. "What are you screaming about?!" It took me a few moments to answer, as my mind was still trying to get back to the boy I had seen. I floundered a bit before I finally responded. "I.. I was having a nightmare.." Kevin  just stared at me for a moment before he sighed a bit. Strangely enough, he looked sympathetic. He squeezed my shoulder, in an entirely different way than when he was trying to shake me awake. It was almost as if he was trying to comfort me. I found it revolting, and I wanted to lash out at him, punch him, claw out his eyes. I did none of these, however, not wanting to spark his temper. 

He reached in his pocket, and pulled out a bottle. He took a couple pills from it and handed them to me. "Take those. They'll help you sleep better." I looked at the pills, then back to him, certain that he was acting, and this was some way of torturing me or even killing me. He just stared at me, waiting for me to take them. I put them in my mouth and pretended to swallow. He didn't seem concerned as to whether or not I really took them, and he stood, turning and looking at me once more. "Don't scream like that anymore. I could hear you all the way at the other end of the building." I didn't say anything.. it's not like I could control it. I still had the pills in my mouth, and before Kevin walked towards the door, he smirked a bit, clapping his hand on my back a bit roughly, forcing me to swallow the pills. I coughed a bit, almost choking, and he frowned a bit. "You should have just swallowed them. Now go to sleep." With that, he turned and walked out, locking my door behind him.

I sat there for probably 15 minutes, just thinking about the things I had seen. It was then that I decided: I was going to find that boy. I knew now that he existed, and I knew that I had some sort of connection to him. I snuck out of my cell and padded silently down the hallway to an empty office. I sat at the desk, looking over the things on it before I turned the computer on. I wasn't sure where to begin, but I thought he might have been a subject, like myself. I was about to try to access the lab files, but they were password protected. I growled to myself in aggrivation, tired of being stopped from finding what I wanted so desperately. I opened the desk drawers, searching for anything to help me. Luckily, whoever owned the desk was apparently forgetful.. they wrote their passwords on a slip of paper. I entered the correct code and started searching. I found quite a few files, but not what I wanted. I was searching for a picture of the boy I kept seeing. I would search all night if I had to. It took me the better part of a couple hours to look through all the files, and by about 45 minutes into it, I was feeling woozy from the medicine Kevin gave me. I fought the effects, determined to keep looking. Another half hour passed before the screen swam before my eyes, and I couldn't focus. My hands felt numb and I felt heavy all over. I stood up unsteadily, almost falling, barely catching myself before my head hit the desk. I felt along the wall to the doorway and made my way back to my cell, collapsing on the bed and falling into a deep sleep. My last thought was that I could continue another night, and I would do so until I found him. 

I saw him again just before I sank into oblivion, and he was running away from a house, seeming to be in a bit of a hurry. I was too out of it to realize it, but just as my consciousness left me, the name "Mikado" slipped from my lips.

Entry #30 ( One of the worst days )

I hit the wall hard as one of the guards threw me back into my cell. As I sank to the floor, I clutched my arm tightly.. it didn't break, but it would definitely be bruised pretty badly. I sat there, in shock, unable to wrap my mind around what had just happened to me. Kevin had finally gotten what he wanted, and I had the bruises and wounds to prove it.. but who could I tell? I knew that I was the property of Soukai, and there were probably no records of my existence as a person. No one could help me, and even if they could, there was no way I could get out to tell them.

I don't know how long I sat there trembling, but after a while I snapped back to reality, touching my face lightly and wincing. I had tried to fight back as best I could, but I was too weak. I remember calling out to someone to help me.. whoever it was, the name made Kevin so angry that he punched me in the face, bruising my cheek badly.  I sat there thinking, my mind racing. I tried to block out what Kevin did to me.. but there was something else replaying through my mind over and over, and I didn't understand why. 

My mind, though I was dazed, turned back to the same scene I saw before. The vividness of the scene astounded me. I was away from Soukai, and there was someone with me, and whoever he was, we were kissing. I could hear the boy breathing, feel his heartbeat, smell the scent of his skin. The tenderness in his touch, and the passion with which he kissed me caused my heart to skip a beat. I paid no heed to what was happening to me.. my mind was focused on the strange memory I was seeing. As the boy laid me back on the bed and we made love ( somehow I just knew that was my first time, but I couldn’t recall who the boy was, or when it happened ), I almost pushed Kevin away from me. I realized that I belonged to someone else, and I wanted desperately to stop him from hurting me.. but he grabbed my hair and slammed my head back against the gurney I was on, knocking me out. I awoke as the guard was carrying me back to my cell, the memory still fresh in my mind. I didn't understand it though.. there was no boy there with me.. there never had been. So who was this person I remembered so clearly?

The name I spoke did not stay in my memory, but the sensations, as well as the feeling that I was missing something did. I knew that boy had to exist.. I had made love to him, and I felt every bit of it. I could remember his voice calling my name, and the blue of his eyes. He had to exist. I wondered desperately who he was, knowing that I loved him, and deeply. Kevin’s cruelty had become a regular occurance, and though I was upset that he had violated my body in such a way, it was not a surprise to me, nor woud it be the last time. I just sat there, my mind racing as quickly as my heart, trying to figure out who this person in my mind could be, and why I missed him so desperately.

I eventually got to my feet shakily, my body aching as I moved. I went to the door, peering out the window to make sure the coast was clear. I used the security card I swiped from one of the guards ( I suppose I could have left at any time.. but where would I go? They would just find me again ), and opened my door, sneaking down the hallway to one of the employee locker rooms. It was late, so I knew no one would be there. I stripped off my gown and turned on one of the showers, making the water as hot as I could. I felt dirty, contaminated.. I wanted nothing more than to wash away what had happened. I stood under the water, wincing as it almost seared my skin. I got some soap and scrubbed myself until my skin was red, not caring that it hurt. It would heal quickly anyway. I washed my hair a few times, and just stood there for a while, letting the water rinse my skin. I broke down finally, sinking to the floor of the shower and crying quietly, and I stayed there until the water ran cold, hardly aware of the temperature change. I felt so lost.. I knew there was something I needed, and I knew it revolved around that boy, but there was nothing I could do about it. I felt sick with desperation.

I finally turned off the water, shivering from the cold. I threw the gown into the trash, as it was just a reminder of what happened to me. I got a towel and dried off, and went to find another gown from one of the labs. Once I was dressed, I went back to my cell and collapsed onto my bed, crying myself into a restless sleep.. knowing that day would repeat itself indefinitely unless I managed to get away. But how could I?
 

Entry #29 ( A double edged sword )

Tensions were high between the Red Dragons and the White Tigers. Words were said, punches thrown, and shots fired. It wasn't an official war.. yet.. but it was only a matter of time. Seeing this conflict brewing made me nervous. I knew that when war did break out, as it inevitably would, that it would be a nasty, dirty, all out battle. I didn't feel like Oksana was safe on Venus. I had to find a hiding place for her, and fast. Luckily, I had a friend in Russia that agreed to take care of her. She is the one that found Svetlana for me. I packed her things quickly and ran to my ship. I had to make a stop in Dayton City before I headed to Earth with her. 

I wasn't about to leave her in the ship, so I took her with me, running as fast as I could to get my errands taken care of. On the way back to the spaceport, a man stepped in front of me. I almost bowled him over, but skidded to a stop, Oksana close at my side. I looked up to see none other than Gene Starwind. I had come to know him, and loathe him over time, and he hated me as well. He was a Dragon, though not a loyal one by any means, and at the time, I was a Tiger. So it was obvious that his intentions were not honorable. And lo and behold, before I even got a chance to react, he hit me, knocking me out.  He grabbed Oksana and took her as I lay in a heap on the ground.

I awoke a short time later, sharp pain shooting through my head. I looked around frantically, my heart stopping as I realized that he took my daughter. I scrambled to my feet, fighting off the dizziness caused by the concussion I now had. I ran to the spaceport into a throng of people. A couple of them were ISSP officers, and I approached them, begging for help. I was hysterical by this point, as my only child was probably going to be killed. Much to my shock, the officers simply looked at me, refusing to come to my aid. I screamed at them in frustration, unable to comprehend why they wouldn't do their job. A few other bystanders were there, and none of them offered help either. Akuma, someone I had come to know and dislike, actually laughed at me. I was in tears, unable to do much of anything. I didn't know what to do, or who to call.  I stood there for a few moments, trying desperately to figure out how to get my child back when it hit me. I picked up my phone and dialed Mikado's number, praying that he would answer.

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I waited for him to pick up, and when he finally did, I couldn't help but cry harder. I tried to explain what happened through my tears. After I finished, he sat quietly for a moment before responding. "I'll kill that fucking bastard.. where were you when he took her?" I responded, telling him that I was on my way to the Dayton Spaceport. He assured me that it would be okay, and that he would bring her home to me before he hung up. A few moments later, my phone rang again, and it was Gene. "There's no use in looking for me. I killed your kid, and you won't find her either." My heart sank. How did I know if he was lying or not? I couldn't respond, so I hung up and called Mikado, even more frantic than before. "Calm down, Katya.. I'll find her." He grumbled a bit. "I fucking hate that asshole." I was unable to say much of anything, but he kept telling me it would be fine, finally getting off the phone with me to go find her.

I paced back and forth at the spaceport, waiting as patiently as I could for him to come back. Thankfully no one approached me or tried to start a fight, because at that point I probably would have killed everyone at the spaceport. It felt like hours before a ship landed, and after the hatch opened, Mikado stepped out.. with Oksana in his arms. She seemed perfectly fine, she wasn't crying or upset. She just looked up at Mikado curiously, as if she was studying him. I was too overcome to notice how alike they looked. I ran to them, my frantic tears turning to happy ones as I reached out for my child. She actually hesitated before she released her hold on Mikado, seeming to want to stay with him. She reached for me after a moment though, and I took her in my arms, covering her with kisses. 

Mikado stood there quietly as I fawned over Oksana, and after a moment I looked up to him. There were no words that I could use to thank him enough for saving my child.. of course, neither of us knew at the time that she was his child too. Oksana says that she knew from the moment he took hold of her, but she didn't tell us, knowing that we would find it too far fetched at the time. I held onto her with one arm, and hugged him as tightly as I could with the other, placing a kiss on his cheek. "Thank you, Mikado.. she would have died if not for you, I'm sure of it." He waved my thanks off, saying that it was no big deal, he was glad to help. I knew at that moment that I loved him, as crazy as that sounds.. that he would drop everything to risk his own life and save a child he had never even seen.. I suppose that some part of his mind may have known who she was, but it wasn't a conscious thing. I'm sure my overzealous thanks made him feel a bit awkward.. but it was the only thing I could think of. He agreed to escort me back to Venus with her, and I accepted, unaware of the danger that awaited us there.. 

At this point, war had been declared, as I knew it would be. As we got into the apartment and locked the door, Lucy called me and informed me of the situation. I wouldn't be able to take Oksana to Earth. There was no way I would make it. Gene lived right up the hall from me, so Venus definitely wasn't safe. I had to hide somewhere.. I told Mikado that I would have to take her into hiding somehow, but he refused to leave, or to let me go. "You can hide in my apartment. You're not taking her out there alone." I was amazed.. no one had ever put themself in such danger on my behalf before.. here was this man.. I had been told he was a psychopath, a murderer.. that he was cold and brutal.. he had even spoken those words himself.. and yet, here he was going out of his way to protect me and my daughter. Everyone had to be wrong about him. And he was definitely wrong about himself.  I had seen more goodness in him than evil. I had seen hardly anything -but- goodness from him. I had seen him do bad things, but he wasn't like the rest of the men out there. He wasn't cold. If anything, he was more passionate than anyone I had met. He spoke and moved with purpose. He didn't waste time with superfluous things to show off, or show immaturity by trying to prove himself superior. He simply was what he was. He had an aura of confidence and charisma that I had not seen in anyone else, and I knew he possessed something that few people truly had; honor. He was intelligent, and had common sense.. he was well trained, and seemed to know how to use any situation to his advantage. I knew that if anyone was going to save me, it would be him. So I agreed. By this time, we had spoken a few times, and after the vow we made to each other on the Feh'siil Vampyr, I believed him. He wouldn't betray me. I was sure that he didn't feel the way for me that I did for him, and I wouldn't dare let him see the girly crush I was developing.. the situation was inappropriate for such things, but I really was falling in love with him.

I was about to open my mouth to agree to hide in his apartment when there was a banging on my front door. I heard men's voices, and Mikado automatically recognized them as RDS members. He moved in front of Oksana and I in case the door came down, but they didn't try to barge in. They stayed outside and just taunted me. One man, who Mikado would later identify as Jordan, yelled that he would get a hold of Oksana and when he did, he would rape her, murder her, and send her back to me in a bag. The other men laughed. I was terrified.. there were too many of them for two of us to take on. I caught a glimpse of Mikado's expression as they threatened my life and the life if my daughter, and then I understood what everyone was talking about. His eyes were dark, and he looked positively murderous. I kept Oksana's ears covered, not wanting her to hear the horrible things that were being said. I kissed her cheek and assured her that everything would be okay. 

After a moment, Mikado turned to me. "I want you to sneak out the window in the back.. run as fast as you can to the spaceport. I'll be right behind you." I shook my head, sure that they would catch us. He gave me a little nudge towards the back room. "Go!" I grabbed Oksana, running to the back room and opening the window. I crawled out first and picked her up, running as fast as I could to the spaceport. I practically dove into my ship, waiting fearfully for Mikado, afraid they had caught him, but a moment later, he ran in, closing the hatch behind him. It seemed that they were too busy yelling and taunting to realize that we had fled. I was too shaky to fly, so Mikado launched the ship and we headed for Mars, rushing to his apartment the moment we landed.

I hid Oksana in a back room, holding onto her tightly. I didn't even get a good look at Mikado's apartment. I was too afraid. I held Oksana to me tightly, as she was afraid, knowing exactly what was going on. Mikado kept watch out the windows and at the door, knowing that they would catch on soon, and follow us. And sure enough, we only had a half hour on them before they arrived. They stood outside Mikado's door, taunting and yelling. Oksana began to cry more, and I broke down, unable to stand seeing my girl so afraid. This seemed to stir something in Mikado. He walked into the room and took me by the shoulder lightly, his eyes locked on mine. "You stay here. I don't care what you hear, do not come out." I grabbed his arm, trying to stop him.. I didn't want him walking out there to his death.. there were at least three of them out there. He pulled away from me and walked out, going to a cabinet and rifling through it, grabbing an atomizer and a bag full of vials. From my work in ISSP, I knew they were drugs. I ran to the door, trying to stop him. "Mikado, please..!" But he kept going. I lost count of the number of vials he used, but after a few moments he opened the door and I heard the gunshots. I cried quietly, hugging Oksana.. I was sure that Mikado had died trying to defend us, and that eventually they'd find us in his home and it would be over. I was wrong.

A couple hours later, the door opened, and Mikado stumbled inside. He looked like hell, but he was alive. He had taken down all of them, and managed to survive. He had overdosed on those drugs, and was pretty sick, but he was coherent. I ran to him and helped him to the couch, intending to take care of him as best I could. After that, there was no way I was letting him die. He slept for most of the afternoon, and I sat right beside him, watching him as closely as I could to make sure he was still breathing. As I watched him sleep, I knew that there was no way I'd leave his side, unless he made me. I knew then that I loved him.. I had been married, and my husband disappeared.. I only wanted to believe that he loved me.. and the relationship I had before that with Hayden.. that was as bad as being with Kevin. Mikado was different. He went out of his way to protect me. He was willing to die for me. No one had ever been that way. He looked like a boy as he slept, his hair was all touseled, and his face was relaxed.. all the anger and stress he was feeling had gone for the time being. I had wiped away the blood that stained his skin, and I just sat there, looking at him. He looked so familiar to me.. but I couldn't place it. That evening, he woke and sat up, seeming much better. He looked to me, and looked around to make sure Oksana was alright. She was sitting next to me, watching him just as closely. She seemed to find him fascinating. I asked him how he felt. He ran a hand through his hair, casual as ever. "I'm fine. Let's get Oksana to Earth."  And with that, he got up, changed clothes, and waited for me. We hurried to the spaceport and got in my ship, taking Oksana to safety in Russia.

We decided to hide the ship on the Bird of Prey, WTS's capital ship, for the time being, to get away from the violence and have a chance to rest. As we sat there together, I felt a bit nervous. I didn't know what to do, or what to say. I looked to him, studying him for a moment before I spoke. "Mikado.. there's no way that I can thank you for all this.. you didn't have to risk your life like that.." He looked to me, and before I knew what I was doing, I kissed him. I was about to mentally slap myself for being an idiot, but before I could, he responded, pulling me closer to him and wrapping his arms around me. I was surprised by the intensity of that kiss. He wanted it as much as I did. It only took a few moments for the clothes to come off, and we ended up on the small bed in the back of my ship, unable to get enough of each other. I was surprised.. for an injured man, Mikado was very tenacious! That was one of the most amazing nights I've experienced. All the things I thought about Mikado were right. He was a -very- passionate person.. but he was also gentle, and possessed a kindness that I hadn't seen before. As we lay in each other's arms, I felt more at peace than I had ever felt. Whatever it was that had been missing in my heart was replaced. I had found what I was looking for.

Apparently Mikado found what he was looking for as well.. he asked me to marry him the next day.
"I love you Katya!" His anguished voice rang in my ears. I struggled desperately against Kevin's hold on me, trying to get to him. I reached out, stretching my arm frantically, trying to grab any part of him I could reach. I saw tears in his blue eyes, and he tried to fight free from the guards that had a hold on him. "I love you too..." I awoke just as his name was about to leave my lips. I screamed out in frustration, hitting the wall next to me, desperate to remember him. I had this dream almost every night, and each night I tried to remember this person who loved me so much that he tried to fight to get to me. 

His eyes had haunted me for years. It felt as if he was right there, within reach.. but I couldn't remember him, no matter how hard I tried. My heart ached with the thought of it. I sat up in my small bed, looking around the dark bedroom. I had managed to get a small apartment on Venus, it was only big enough for Oksana and myself, but it was near the beach, so we enjoyed it. My job with the ISSP wasn't exactly lucrative, persay.. but it gave me enough money to live on, and I spoiled Oksana as much as I could. She was a very happy three year old, and I made sure she had plenty of coloring books and things to keep her occupied. Her nanny, Svetlana, seemed to really care about her. She read to her, and taught her everything she could. I spent as much time with her as I was able to, but I worked a lot, trying to make as much money as I could so we could get a nicer place someday. 

I used my access to ISSP records to my advantage, searching through thousands and thousands of pictures and files, trying to find this man. He couldn't be much older than me.. and he couldn't just disappear. There had to be some record of him. Even if he had died, there would be a record, with a picture. I knew that if I saw those eyes, I would recognize him immediately.. and maybe my memories of him would return, so I would know who he was.  I had just gotten to a new file that was pretty big.. this guy had a record. I was just about to click on the file and open it when Nathyrra called me. There was a new bounty, and we were going out in the field to arrest the person. The file on the screen read: Mikado, Masahiro.. but someone would use the computer before I got back, and my place was lost.. I would have to start my search over again.

Entry #27 ( A happy memory )

I was sitting on the bed in my cell, as always, staring at the wall. There was nothing to do, no one to talk to.. it was a depressing existence. I didn't even know how long I had been there, when all of a sudden, a sharp pain shot through my abdomen. I couldn't help but cry out.. it felt like a white hot piece of metal had been jabbed into my gut. I closed my eyes, trying to fight against the dizziness as my vision began to blur and the room swam around me. It only lasted a few seconds, and then it was gone, leaving me breathless and clammy. I took a shaky breath, having no idea what was wrong at first. But as the second wave of pain came, my mind cleared suddenly, and the answer that was eluding me became clear: I was in labor. 

It took me a long time to find out that I was pregnant, because I didn't show that much. I was so undernourished that any fat I managed to accumulate went right to the baby.  Once I did find out, I was happy and worried at the same time. Having a child would mean that I would have a family.. I would have someone to talk to and love.. someone to love me in return. But I worried because I was afraid they would take the baby away from me. As the second contraction passed, I knew what I had to do. I got to my feet, noticing that the mattress was wet.. my water had broken.. I had very little time to get away, and I was not having this child in my cell.. it wouldn't know the pain that I had suffered.

I made my way to the door, and I bent down, pulling up a loose tile in the floor. I had managed to swipe a security card from one of the guards that liked to sleep on the job, and I hid it there in case I ever had to escape. I swiped the card, clutching it tightly in my hand as I made my way silently down the hall. I don't know how I knew it, but I knew there was a service elevator that was unguarded at the end of the hallway, so I made my way to it and punched the button impatiently. I scrambled into the elevator the moment it opened, and closed the door, hitting the button. The second the door closed, another wave of pain hit me, and I bit my lip to keep from screaming. I barely managed to stay standing, a bit of blood trickling down my chin from the bite. I wiped it on my gown, and thankfully, by the time the elevator reached its destination, the pain had passed for the most part. I stumbled out, dizzy and weak from the pains I was having, and made my way out of the building, staying in the shadows as much as I could. I had no idea why I knew where the cameras were, but I did, and I stayed out of their view.

I managed to make my way to the street, and followed the sounds of ships to the spaceport, fighting back the pain as best I could. The contractions were a few minutes apart, and I was running out of time. I looked desperately for any way off the planet, and luckily there was someone getting on a ship only a few feet away from me. The ship was kind of big, and it had a white tiger painted on the side of it. I stumbled into the cargo hold, hiding behind some boxes of ammunition, and another pain me hit me. I was clutching the hem of my gown so tightly in my hands that my knuckles turned white, and I hardly noticed when the ship took off and headed towards space. It only took a few minutes before I felt it touch down again.. I was terrified that it had landed back on Venus, and that I had been discovered. I waited a while, making sure it was totally silent outside before I ventured out. Thankfully, I was not on Venus, but in the hangar of a huge capital ship. I found my way to the elevator, trying to stay out of sight and stay conscious as the pains were getting closer and closer together. I was going to have my baby on this ship.. there was no way around it. 

I punched a random button on the panel, praying that it wasn't the one that would take me to the bridge, and when the doors opened again, there was an empty conference room before me. I fell out of the elevator, crying out as I hit the floor. I landed on my back, and I just stayed there, in too much pain to move. I heard footsteps, and figured I would be in big trouble. As I opened my eyes, there was a huge pair of greenish blue eyes staring back at me. The face around them was that of a young woman. She was very pretty, and instead of wearing an angry expression, she looked positively worried. "Mew, are you okay?!" She said, her voice tinged with concern and curiosity. I was white as a sheet at this point, sweat covering me. I was in too much pain to say more than, "Labor.. baby.. please help me.." She blinked, and looked me over. She believed me though, and ran off, hopefully to get something to help. After what felt like a year or two, she came back, and picked me up. She was damn strong for a woman, and a lot bigger than I thought. She took me to one of the couches in the conference room, and laid me on it, wiping my forehead with a damp towel. "There, there," she said, "I know all about babies, mew. You'll be fine! I'm Candi!" I wasn't sure why she kept saying "mew", but her voice was kind, and she had gentle hands. "I'm Katya.." I managed, before another pain hit me, this one worse than the others. I was terrified, but Candi didn't seem too worried. "Just push when the pain starts!" She said, waiting at the other end of the couch like a catcher in a baseball game. I did as she said, and after a ton of pain, crying, and a few more "mews", I was presented with a tiny baby wrapped in a towel. 

"It's a girl!" Candi exclaimed, seeming quite happy. She looked a bit teary eyed as she cleaned up, and once she was done, she sat beside me. "What are you going to name her?" I thought for a while.. it hadn't occured to me that I would have to name the baby.. but suddenly, it came to me. "Oksana." Candi smiled, seeming quite pleased with that. "That's a really pretty name, mew! I need to go get some things.. but I'll be back.. just sleep here, no one ever comes down here.. you'll be safe." I nodded, sleep already taking me. I clutched the baby to my chest as I faded away, and my last thought was that her eyes were so bright blue.. and they seemed kind of familiar..

Entry #26 ( Forgiveness )

I awoke in a daze. I couldn't remember what day it was, or much of anything from the previous day. My mind was pretty much shot, and I existed in a haze most of the time. I felt nothing, going through the motions of living. Every day was the same. I managed to drag myself out of bed and get dressed, and as I was heading down the hall to the kitchen, I heard Oksana shriek. That brought me out of my daze a bit more, and I hurried to the living room, almost falling over my own feet to find out what was going on.

Oksana was nose to screen with the TV, her eyes wide. "MOM!!" She yelled, "LOOK! Dad's on TV!!!" I shook my head a bit, trying to clear it as I walked over to see what she was freaking out about. I pulled her face off the TV and looked to see Big Shot. Judy seemed to be excited about something, and soon I would find out what. The bounty they were announcing was Mikado.. but that couldn't be. He had been away for so long.. he had to be dead. But there he was, on the screen. I was shocked, and without thinking, my hand moved to the screen, my heart aching suddenly. I had done such horrible things.. he would never forgive me. But he had a bounty, and I couldn't just let him get caught.. so I went and grabbed my laptop to get rid of it. Thankfully all those months of hacking paid off.

I grabbed my coat and put my shoes on quickly, kissing Oksana's cheek. She looked bewildered. "Where are you going??" I grabbed my keys from the table. "To find your father." And with that, I ran out the door. They said that he was on his ship, so I ran as fast as I could through Zephyr to the interlink. I pushed past a few people as I made my way into Dayton City, not slowing down until I reached the spaceport. As I skidded to a stop, I saw it; The Dread Endeavor. I walked up to it, a stitch in my side, trying to catch my breath as I punched in the code.

I walked onto the ship, half expecting him to not be there. I knocked lightly, my heart pounding in my ears, unsure of what I might find on the other side of the door, but I couldn't wait.. I punched in the number to open the door, and as it slid open, I saw him. Before I even realized what was happening, I was in his arms. My heart skipped a few beats, and my lips found his.. it was what I had been yearning for all this time.. I had never stopped loving him, and I tried to deny the pain that his absence caused me. My heart was broken, and I had no idea. The kiss couldn't have lasted that long, but there was an eternity in those moments. Time suspended itself, and we were the only beings in that universe. The kiss left me breathless. We talked a while, and Mikado told me he had been ill. That struck a nerve in my heart.. I had abandoned him when he needed me.. it's something I'll never really forgive myself for, but he forgives me, and as long as he loves me, I can live with it. I apologized as best I could, which wasn't much, as words couldn't express how I felt. We ended up in bed together, and as we made love, I realized that I needed him. Complications would follow, they always do.. but my heart knew that moment that it couldn't beat without his. 

I fell asleep in his arms, which was something I had longed to do for what felt like an eternity. The emptiness that was in my heart was filled.. the pain I felt subsided. My mind didn't clear entirely, I still felt that haze.. still heard those voices sometimes, but Mikado was there, and at his side, I could deal with anything. Our family could be together again.. I had to take Mikado to see the children.. they missed him so much. Oksana hadn't been herself since he left.. she was usually happy and chatty, but with her father gone, she was much more introverted. Seiichi ended up with a horrible ear infection which actually took his hearing.. and he acted as if he was locked away in his own world. Their father returning to them would have to make things better.

Entry #25 ( Loss )

 I am sitting here, unable to sleep.. or even think straight. I am pretty much in shock. 

Mikado got a call earlier from a couple detectives, wanting us to come down to the hospital. As I watched him speak on the phone, his expression got progressively more worried looking. At first he wouldn't tell me much.. just that Svetlana had been in an accident. He said that there was a little girl that needed to be identified. Obviously, it was Cassie.. she was with Svetlana all day, and they had gone to the park. I figured that Svetlana had just gotten hurt, and they wanted us to pick Cassie up.. I was wrong.

As we left the apartment to head to the hospital, Mikado told me that the little girl they had there was dead, and they wanted us to come identify the body. My first thought was that maybe it wasn't her. My baby couldn't be dead.. but as we walked into the waiting room, the looks on those detectives' faces told me it was true. I went to the morgue and viewed the body.. it was her. My Cassie was dead. 

My feelings on this are a bit complicated. I love my daughter very much, but at the same time I feel relieved. She reminded me of Dorian. Every time I looked at her, I saw him, and all those negative feelings from back then would flare up. I didn't have the same connection with her that I do with my other kids. I think this is mostly because I remember very little of being pregnant with her, and even less of her birth. I left her at the hospital, but Svetlana brought her home. Part of me wishes she hadn't. I wish I had given her up for adoption. I dreaded her growing up, because I knew that one day, she would find out that Mikado wasn't her real father, and she would start to ask questions. I didn't want to have to tell her about Dorian.. how we met, the way he was, how our relationship ended.. and especially that he wanted nothing to do with her. He abandoned her. How would that make her feel?

I feel a bit selfish and guilty because I feel relief instead of sorrow. Cassie never did anything but be cute and loving. She used to cry for Mikado to hold her, and if we would start talking to each other, she would slap one of us so we would pay attention to her. She was just starting to talk, and she would sit on the floor and sing while she was playing. She was such a beautiful girl.. but I was always afraid that she would end up being like Dorian somehow. I knew she would look like him. Mikado told me that it's best not to dwell on what happened. We have two other children who need us, and another on the way.

At the same time, I know he feels responsible, because Cassie and Svetlana were shot by a couple Yakuza. Svetlana will be fine, but the shot that Cassie took severed her spinal cord. At least she didn't suffer.. and we also know who did it. The tag on the car was traced back to Kaido's father. I knew there was something bad about him.. but the fact that he would go after Mikado's children instead of facing him, or even coming after me.. that just goes to show what a coward he is. If I wasn't pregnant, I would be killing him right now instead of writing this, but I know that Mikado doesn't want me to do that. He doesn't want me to be too stressed out.. we already lost one child.. losing another, and especially me miscarrying at this point, would devastate him.. and me. Everyone is so looking forward to this baby. Mikado wants another son so much, and I want to give him that.. so I have to be careful. Not to mention that he just found out that Aiko lost her twins.. I couldn't put him through that.

I know Mikado is probably thinking of going and taking care of it himself.. and I know that I can't really stop him. I just want to stay together and be close to our kids. Svetlana will be out of commission for a while.. and I'm considering just letting her go home to Russia. Seiichi will be starting school soon, and we won't need her as much.. and after something like this, I don't want to put her in any more danger because of us. 

As I think of this.. though it's so tragic, I know something good will come of it. It provides a good opportunity. Kaido will be free of his father's grasp once he's dead.. and I think he'll be better off. He's a good kid deep down, but his father's influence and heavy hand made him bitter and unhappy. I just hope that it won't have the opposite effect and start a war between him and Oksana..

Entry #24 ( Destiny is a funny thing )

Mikado came home in one piece, which I am infinitely glad for. He said that his trip was rather uneventful, and that he may have to go back later on to escort whoever it was back to Japan. Perhaps I'll be able to go along with him then.. it depends on whether or not I'm still pregnant. He brought Oksana and I beautiful matching kimonos.. I'm waiting to wear mine to dinner, but Oksana wore hers already. She was so paranoid while he was gone.. she waited for him to call each day. Now that he's back, she wants to spend some time with him. He took her with him to visit Aiko in Japan, and she just had to wear her kimono there to show it to Aiko. She was so excited.

Aiko is leaving Dane, from what I understand. Not that he was really around for her to leave him. He's been away doing things for ISSP, apparently, and he came around looking for her. She was nowhere to be found.. no phone, no e-mail.. so I'm not sure how he got in touch with her. She miscarried, losing both of her babies.. so I'm sure she's devastated. I'm glad that Mikado is going to check on her. They met for a drink recently, and Aiko told Mikado that she found someone else.. it's a bit sudden, but love is love, no matter how long you talk to someone. I hope that this new person will be good for her! We are supposed to have dinner with them in Japan soon, which is where I'll be wearing my kimono. I've got a couple other surprises in store for Mikado too.. I think he'll be pleased.

For a while now, I've been doing something to occupy my time since ISSP was so slow.. and now that I'm pregnant, Mikado and the kids don't want me going to work, so I've just continued my studies. I think I've done well in keeping it a secret. I've only told one other person, and she's helped me immensely. I won't say anything more, because I know Mikado reads this, and I want it to be a surprise! If I reveal my source, he'll go and question her, and I don't know if she would be able to refuse telling him!! 

For now I'm going to go study more and probably soak in the tub for a while. Mikado is still in Japan, and there's not much else to do. I may take Seiichi to the park this afternoon.

Entry #23 ( Simon = stupid )

Mikado is out of town. He left for Japan, and I think he's in Austrailia right now. He called from the boat he was on, but he was only able to talk for a few minutes. I miss him terribly.. I don't even want to sleep in our bed.. it's too big without him next to me. I've been sleeping on the couch since he left. Usually Seiichi ends up sleeping with me. Last night Oksana and Zane ended up in sleeping bags on the floor right in front of the couch. We watched movies until we all fell asleep. I got them all up in time for school and sent them off, and they'll all be back again this afternoon. It's nice having all the kids with me. If I was by myself, I would be so much more lonely.  

I went to work today, as usual, and I was talking with the citizens of Mars. Of course Simon shows up ( conveniently ) and calls me, telling me he won't hesitate to kill me. I told him to shut up and go eat a crumpet. I'm not afraid of him. I just know that Mikado doesn't want me fighting because I'm pregnant. For once, I'm going to listen to him. I'll let him beat the shit out of Simon when he gets home. I'm sure he'd love the opportunity. Simon is just pissed off because Nathyrra left him and I can't stand him. He's so moody and emo. He really needs to realize that no one gives a flying fuck what he thinks.

But enough about him. He needs to crawl under a rock and croak!! I can't wait until Mikado comes home. I know that we'll be spending some time together alone, which is always amazing.. but we will also probably be taking the kids somewhere else. I'm sure that Oksana will want to spend some time with him on her own too. She's been pretty busy with school work lately, and with him being out of town, she misses him a lot. It's so cute how she always tries to follow him and look out for him. Seiichi does the same with me. It makes me kind of wonder who Cassie will pick as her favorite parent.. and the new baby as well. I really can't wait for him ( I hope ) to get here!! Being pregnant is a great experience, even if I do get sick sometimes. I felt a little queasy this morning. I considered not going in to work, but I didn't want to sit here in the apartment by myself all day. Seiichi was having his lessons with Svetlana, and I wouldn't take him out of that. He will be starting school soon, and I want him to be ahead of the other kids his age. I'm sure he will be. He's very smart, just like his sister!

Anyway, I think I'm done with work for the day. I don't feel like dealing with Simon. I'm just gonna go take a shower and wait until the kids get home. I think I'll probably make them some snacks and stuff. They'll have homework, and probably be hungry!! I'm so glad I have such a great family. I've never been this happy!

Entry #22 ( Meeting my destiny.. again. )

Being at war was always a difficult thing, but this one was so much worse. We were getting it from both sides, and could hardly find time to rest and regroup. We were scattered all over the solar system with no real chance to think or have a moment's peace. I was so worried about Oksana at this point.. I had managed to find a really good hiding place for her, and I felt that she was safe with Svetlana, but not being able to see her or call her was hard.  

It was really aggrivating knowing that ISSP could be bought by the Dragons so easily. ISSP was supposed to uphold the law.. and while that didn't mean they should take our side, they shouldn't have sided with another criminal syndicate either. But at the same time, Simon's always been in RDS, and he has always been a manipulative bastard. Whether he really had something to do with it or not, I have no idea.. all I knew was that the police and the Dragons were kicking our asses. 

It had been days since I had slept, and even longer since I had a real meal to eat. I was running on adrenaline alone, and it was starting to take its toll on me. I was to the point that I didn't care anymore, and I would be perfectly alright with getting killed. I didn't have anything in my life except for Oksana, and I rarely got to spend time with her. I was a horrible mother. She would find a better home without me, and be raised by loving parents who would dote on her and spend time with her like I couldn't. I would be better off dead anyway.

I was sitting in space, in a rare moment of relative peace, tracking ships and keeping watch for the enemy, thinking all these horrible, negative thoughts, when a voice came over the space broadcasting network and broke into my concentration. There had been random transmissions all day.. nothing terribly interesting or useful, and so I only half listened at first.. but soon, whoever this was, he would have my full attention.

The voice I heard was familiar, but I couldn't place it. He started to talk about how he was useless for anything other than violence, and he was nothing more than a killing machine. He talked about how much he hated the world, and that he intended to kill as many people as he could while he was here. Lucy, of course, had some smart ass responses, but she only heard half of the transmission. She heard the words.. as this man spoke, I felt what he was saying. It almost felt like something came through the ship's radio and latched itself onto my heart. I felt this man's pain.. it was my pain. I felt the same.. and he felt the same kind of deep, sickening loneliness that I did. I was tempted to get on our clan channel and tell Lucy to shut the hell up, but instead, I connected to the space broadcast network to respond to whoever this was who shared my isolation. It was a dangerous move, as it might give away my position.. but I felt like I had to. At that moment, Lucy spoke up and addressed the person, and I almost fell out of my chair. The man that was speaking was Mikado.. one of the most dangerous criminals I'd come across.. and a member of RDS.. my enemy.

I knew that while the message was extremely violent, and probably entirely true, but at the same time, I knew that on some level, he was reaching out for some kind of connection.. and so was I. I had been alone for so long.. surrounded by people, but sharing nothing. It was a miserable existance. If I could at least let him know that someone else felt that way, maybe it would help him somehow. But as I went to hit the button to reply, I realized that I couldn't even voice what I was feeling.. what words could I possibly use? I shook my head and just said whatever came to mind. "Ya know.. I bet all you need is a hug!" How lame. It was a joke.. I couldn't think of anything to express how much this had struck a chord in me. And the entire solar system would hear.. did I really want to reveal such a vulnerability? Of course not. Especially to the enemy. I expected no response.. but after a moment, he spoke up. "Oh? Well come give me one then." It could have been a threat.. this guy seemed at least a little crazed.. and would probably gut me.. and I realized something at that moment.. this could be a trick. Trying to bait me into something that would get me killed. And while I didn't much care if that was the end result, I wasn't gonna walk right into it knowingly. That would be as good as shooting myself. Despite knowing that I should probably just keep my mouth shut, I still felt that same pang of loneliness and pain, and couldn't just drop the conversation. "The best I can do is a space hug. I'm sort of hiding." Silence. That was pretty lame too.. but then.. was he laughing? It wasn't that same kind of maniacal laughter that I would have expected.. it seemed like he really thought it was funny. I laughed a bit too, unable to really help myself. Space hug.. what the hell.. I sounded like some sort of silly kid. 

I continued my work, keeping track of the ships that passed through the system, and whatever other transmissions came over the network. I had managed to hack into ISSP's radio, and so I was monitoring their transmissions and reporting back to Lucy. THAT was a dangerous job, but I enjoyed it quite a bit. I was always the kind of person to run head first into any sort of danger with my guns blazing.. Nathyrra and Lucy kept me in check by giving me these kinds of jobs to do.. and it worked for the most part.. but I was getting restless. Lucy constantly underestimated me, and would never listen to my ideas. She had no mind for strategy whatsoever, and her idea of a good battle plan was grouping everyone in one midship. Sure, there were plenty of people to man the guns, but if the ship was shot down, that would be the war. I had much better ideas, but I kept them to myself, because she wouldn't hear me out. As I was sitting there, contemplating all the things I was feeling, my phone rang. WTS had decided to try and use clan radio as much as possible so that phones wouldn't reveal anyone who was in hiding, so I had no idea who could be calling me.. I answered it, and to my shock and amazement, it was Mikado. 

He told me he was sick of fighting, and was ready to throw in his towel.. boy, could I relate to that.. I felt the same way. This war was never going to end.. we'd all end up dead, not that it mattered, and even if someone won, what good would it do? We chatted about being sick of pretty much everything for a bit, and the next thing I knew, he was asking me to meet him on the Feh'siil Vampyr.... Hayden's ship. I hadn't set foot on that ship since Hayden raped me there, and I had little intention of returning.. not to mention that this could very well be a trick to get me there and kill me. But at the same time... I felt this compulsion. I had to go meet him. I had to see for myself if he was feeling the same thing that I was. And honestly, I had been drawn to him the moment I saw him. He was so familiar to me, but I had no idea why. He was amazingly handsome, and admittedly dangerous and kinda sexy.. but that wasn't the reason that I was curious about him. I knew that I had seen him somewhere before. His eyes haunted me, because I knew them. I had seen them so many times. My memory was notoriously faulty though, thanks to Soukai and their experiments, so I really didn't know where I knew him from. 

I told him that I would come meet him.. and he asked that I come alone. While this scared me a bit, I knew that if anyone came with me, they would automatically start fighting, and I was so sick of that. So I agreed. He gave me his word that he wouldn't hurt me, and that he would be alone too. So I got on clan radio and told Lucy and Nathyrra that I was leaving my post for a while, that I would report anything that I felt they should know. It only took Lucy a moment to speak up. "You are NOT going to see Mikado, Katya." I tried to tell her that I wasn't, but she and Nathyrra knew me, and they wouldn't let me go. They said that they were coming with me, and wouldn't take no for an answer.. I finally convinced them to stay in the ship, and I would let them know if I needed help.. not that I'd get the chance if that was the case. They agreed though, and I went to meet him.

I stepped off the ship, a bit of trepidation in my heart.. I walked to the living area of the ship, and there he was. I just looked at him for a few moments, unable to really think of anything to say.. eventually, we started talking about how tiring all this war mess was, and how stupid the syndicates were. We talked for a long time, and he confided that he was going to leave the Dragons. Despite the things I had seen and what I'd heard about him, he wasn't that bad. He was nice.. soft spoken, calm, and well.. sane. He was almost like a different person. I told him it was good that he was leaving RDS.. they were bad news, and he'd always continue being that killing machine he talked about if he stayed with them. I confided that I was tired of WTS too, and it would be great to retire, but I couldn't abandon my friends. The conversation went on for a bit, until Lucy and Nathyrra got worried and called me back to the ship. I told him I had to leave, and we vowed that neither of us would fight the other ever again. No matter what was going on around us, and who was fighting who, we would never hurt each other. I turned to leave, but I remembered something and turned back. He hadn't moved, and so I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him, saying into his ear, "I owe you a hug." He seemed really surprised, and honestly, so was I. When I got close to him, it was like something in my heart stirred. Something that had been sleeping for a long, long time. I couldn't explain it, and Lucy and Nathyrra were getting annoying. I pulled away from him, and as I looked up at him, I got a better, closer look at his eyes. There was something in them that struck something deep within me.. all I could do was walk away though.. I had been given orders. 

As I walked back onto the ship, Nathyrra and Lucy started asking if I had killed Mikado. The apparently expected me to. To their shock, I told them no, and that I wouldn't be doing anything of the sort. I told them that Mikado and I wouldn't be fighting each other at all, and they got mad at me. They said I was stupid to belive him, but I didn't really care. I didn't bother explaining to them about the things I felt, and what I saw in him. There's no way they could understand, and they wouldn't listen to me anyway. Lucy never listened to me. We left the Feh'siil, and headed back to work.. I was distracted though.. still trying to decipher the things I kept feeling, and what part Mikado could possibly play in them.

Entry #21 ( Romance and happiness )

So the camping trip was a success. The kids had fun, and so did Mikado and I. We'll definitely have to do that again soon.. probably after the new baby is born. As happy as all that is, I'm a bit sad.. 

Mikado has to go away for a while on business. Apparently there's someone in Japan that needs looking after while they travel to the states. We really haven't been apart from each other since we got back together.. so I'm a bit anxious about him going to do something dangerous.. but he has to. I wish I could go with him.. if I wasn't pregnant, I would. He promised me that he would come home safely though, and his word is good enough for me. I'm just going to miss him so much! He said he should only be gone a week.. but it could be more.. as much as a month or so.. that kind of upsets me. I don't want him to be gone so long!! He said he would call me every night, which will be nice. It will give me some time to spend with Oksana.. and especially with Seiichi before he goes off to school.

Mikado took me out for a wonderful dinner last night. We went to the Sky Bar in the Venus casino.. it turns out that he set up this romantic dinner for us on the balcony. He's so thoughtful. Luckily, I went shopping and bought a really nice dress to wear. We ate, and drank sparkling cider ( since I can't have alcohol ), and we talked and danced. I realized that I've never danced with him, in all this time.. I haven't really danced with anyone besides my pas de deux partner in ballet, but that was ages ago. It was nice to be so close to Mikado and not have anything to worry about. We pretty much danced until they threw us out.. they were closing the restaurant, and apparently we were in their way.. hehe. I didn't much care, and neither did he. After we left there, we went for a walk on the beach. It was cool and breezy, so we definitely kept close to each other. I'm not sure what kind of cologne he put on, but it really smelled good. It was pretty much driving me crazy all night hehe. I love him entirely too much. I won't go into the details about what happened next.. so um.. yeah. >.>

Other than that, things are really quiet. Almost too quiet. They have been for some time. Marent is nowhere to be found.. Mikado and I are pretty much the only officers around. Dane shows up every now and then, but that's rare, and never for very long. I'm hoping that we can convince Funf to give Marent the boot. Maybe Mikado can take over and we won't have to worry so much about what WTS thinks. I think Mikado has wanted to gank ISSP from whoever was leading it for a long time. He didn't get much chance to do his job when he was there.. he ended up getting sick and going away. So we'll see what happens. I'm happy, and I don't think anything could change that!

Entry #20 ( Exodus )

Russia just wasn't far enough away. It was too close to what happened.. too close to Kevin. As much as I loved it there, too many bad memories existed. I wanted a happy life for myself, and for Oksana. So I decided to leave the planet. I had a pretty decent amount of money, so I went to the nearest spaceport, and I bought passage to Mars. It seemed like there were a lot of people there, and it would be a good place to disappear. It was expensive, and I wasn't sure if I'd be able to do much once I got there, but I'd figure it out. Anywhere was better than here. The police would be finding Kevin's body soon, and there would be questions. 

The trip was nice and quiet. Oksana, being the curious three year old that she was, wanted to sit by the window so she could look out and see everything. She ended up on my lap most of the time, because she wanted to be close to me. She kept looking up at me with those big, blue eyes and a happy smile. "Look, Mommy! There's stars out there! Aren't they pretty?!" She asked me that probably five times, but it didn't bother me. I was excited too. The other people on the ship must have thought we were both crazy. Me, being only seventeen and looking even younger than that, and having a three year old with me. They probably thought she was my little sister or something until they heard her call me mommy. I can only imagine what they thought after that, but I didn't much care. 

When we landed, I held Oksana close to me. Dayton City was a lot busier than I thought it would be, and I didn't want her to get lost or kidnapped. I put my backpack on, not wanting to lose the few possessions I had either. I had to look like a terrified child, wide eyed and lost. I had never seen so many people, or such a big city. There were plenty of business men and women, teenagers, and mothers with children.. there were also people who looked pretty scary, like criminals and mobsters, all wandering around. I was trembling a little, but this is what I wanted, so I took a breath and stepped into my new world.

Oksana was just as scared and excited as me. She kept pointing to things and people, and asking me all kinds of questions. I told her that I knew about as much as her about it, that I had never been here, and we would have to explore and learn things together. She seemed content with that, and so we went through the city, learning our way around, and finding out all kinds of interesting things. I bought Oksana a picture book about Mars; she saw it in a bookstore and wanted it to look through so she could learn more about the planet. She was entirely too smart for her age.. she even taught me things sometimes. She held on to the book tightly as we walked through the city. I refused to let her walk beside me, and so I carried her around, making sure not to lose her, or our possessions. I kept my money in my pocket so that it wouldn't get dropped. 

I soon learned that things were more expensive in a big city like this, and I couldn't afford a place to stay. This worried me, but I didn't show it, not wanting to scare Oksana. She always picked up on the littlest things, and if I was upset, she would be upset. If I was alone, sleeping outside wouldn't be a big deal.. but I couldn't do it with her with me. What if she got sick? I paced around, thinking desperately of something I could do for money. I had nothing to sell, except myself, and that's something I really didn't want to have to turn to. 

Oksana spoke up after a while, breaking into my thoughts. "Mommy, I'm hungry.. can we get something to eat?" By this point, I had wandered through the interlink and explored the beginnings of Zephyr, and there was an Italian restaurant right across the street from us. I nodded to her, and walked into the place. It smelled wonderful, and Oksana thought so too. We walked across the entrance to find a place to sit, and I felt someone looking at me. As I met his eyes, I noticed his smile.. at the time, I was happy to see it.. so many people in the city just walked by without paying any heed to each other. As I look back, I realize that he had the look of a hunter who just found his prey. I should have turned and walked away, but he was dressed very nicely, and looked as if he had money, which is exactly what I needed. He beckoned me over, and I stood at the edge of the table shyly. He introduced himself as Hayden Montague.

I don't want to go into that relationship.. it's not a happy experience, and I'm finally over it, so let's just say that he was more like Kevin that I ever wanted to see. Possessive, abusive, cruel.. all those things. He did things to me that I had nightmares about for a long time. But he's dead now, so it doesn't matter. He had what I needed at the time, and I ended up having plenty of money, a place to live, and even a ship to get around in. 

Within the next couple months, I spent a lot of time wandering around, so I would be able to navigate the city easily and know my way. During such an outing, I came across a woman. I was being bothered by some criminal, who I would later come to know as Gene Starwind, and she rescued me. She ran him off and my first thought was that she was pretty terrifying. She was shorter than me, but she might as well have been seven feet tall for all that mattered. She had bright red hair, and a uniform. According to the badge on her arm, she was Nathyrra Heidern, the chief of the ISSP. We talked for a while, and she ended up offering me something I had only hoped for: a job. I was going to be a cop.

I went through the training easily enough. I knew plenty about combat and firearms, as that had been part of my training at Soukai. I told no one of my past, and thankfully, Nathyrra didn't ask. We became fast friends.. it seemed we both had secrets, and pasts we wanted to forget, and so our silence was companionable. We eventually opened up to each other on a more personal level, and of course, became the best of friends. Most of my career up until recently has been spent at her side. I ended up being her assistant of sorts, her partner. We hunted bounties together, and made sure the planets were alright. 

One lazy day, I was sitting at home with Oksana, when Big Shot came on and announced a new bounty that I hadn't seen before. I was watching Oksana color, and as the music started, I looked up, as usual, to see what I might be doing at work later that day. Just as Punch and Judy started announcing it, my phone rang. I walked into the kitchen to answer, and I missed the bounty of the day, but Nathyrra was on the other end, and she had a warning for me. "You can come in to work today, Katya.. but I don't want you out hunting." Curious, I asked her why. "Did you see Big Shot just now? I don't want you hunting that bounty." I informed her that her call caused me to miss Big Shot, and I didn't get to see who it was. "His name is Mikado. He's brutal ..he will kill you if you even approach him. You have Oksana to worry about, so just let the other officers take care of it." I was surprised.. Nathyrra usually encouraged me to challenge myself and go after any bounty I thought I could handle. I knew she wasn't being insulting though, and that she would only tell me not to do something if she really thought it would be dangerous. I agreed, but told her I was coming in to work anyway.. if the other officers were going to be busy with this Mikado guy, then I could take care of whatever else might come up. So a few hours later, I said goodbye to Oksana, and left her in the care of her new nanny, Svetlana. I walked out of the apartment building and headed to the spaceport to go to Ganymede.

As I was walking down Oak Street towards the spaceport, I kept my head up, making sure to be aware of everything around me. I wouldn't be one of those mindless people who saw nothing as they walked back and forth on their daily routine. I looked at faces, at the environment around me, and made sure not to bump into people. If there was someone I thought looked like they needed help, I would approach them, since that was my job. I noticed a man walking towards me, and he seemed to be getting a bit of attention. People looked at him, and some ended up moving away from him; those who paid attention like I did. This made me a bit curious, so I looked up at his face. He didn't seem to notice me at first, but when I looked at him, it felt like someone punched me in the gut. My breath left me, and I almost stopped. He was fairly tall.. to me, anyway. Pretty much everyone but Nathyrra was tall to me. He was Asian, probably Japanese from what I guessed. His hair was dark, but his eyes.. they were bright blue. They were so familiar.. it felt like I had seen those eyes a million times. I couldn't get them out of my head. All this felt like it took ages to happen, but it was only a couple seconds, and by this time, he was almost beside me. I think he felt me staring at him at that point, because his eyes met mine for just a second. His expression made my stomach drop a little.. he just looked so angry, so.. evil. He looked like the kind of person that would kill you at the drop of a hat. So I averted my eyes and continued on my way.. I just couldn't get his face out of my head.. or his eyes. I -KNEW- I had seen him somewhere before. But I pushed it out of my mind.. I certainly wasn't going to ask him, he'd probably rip my face off. I just went to the spaceport and got into my ship and headed to work.

As I walked into the station, and went to Nathyrra's office to say hello, I was greeted by that same face on a wanted poster hanging on her wall. It turns out that blue-eyed man was Mikado, the man that I wasn't allowed to go near, for fear that he'd kill me for trying to cap his bounty. Now I understood why Nathyrra wanted me to stay away from him. As Nathyrra left her office to go start working, I sat down in her seat. I used her computer for all my paperwork. It was so hard to concentrate though.. I kept looking back to that poster, staring at the man's eyes, trying to figure out where I'd seen them before..

Entry #19 ( Russia )

I was finally free of Soukai's grasp.. almost. I was finally allowed to leave the laboratories and live in the outside world. The only problem with that was that I had to live with Kevin. He apparently thought it might be nice to play house in Russia, and so he moved me there. Luckily, I was allowed to bring my daughter, Oksana, so I didn't have to worry about what they might do to her without me around. By that point, I knew better than to expect freedom, or a happy life, no matter what he tried to tell me.

We lived in a nice house. It wasn't extravagant, but Kevin refused to live in an apartment. I suppose he was paid well enough. We had nice furniture.. Oksana had her own room. I, of course, was forced to stay in the same room with Kevin. He made sure that Oksana and I had clothes to wear, and the cabinets and fridge were well stocked. He stayed with us for the first month, every day. I wasn't allowed to leave the house, and he made sure I knew how to clean and he taught me to cook some things. I took care of Oksana and spent lots of time with her. That was my sanctuary, spending time with my child. I loved her more than anything. She was so small and cute, and she would smile when I talked to her.

I hated being around Kevin, and I thought that he would be there all the time.. that he would be watching my every move, and I would have to live in fear constantly of his ever-changing moods. Sometimes he would be quiet and leave us alone, preferring to be left to his own thoughts. I suppose he had work to do. Other times he tried to be affectionate to me. I would allow it, though I never returned his affection. If I pushed him away he would get violent.. of course, sometimes he was violent anyway. It was always towards me, thankfully. He ignored Oksana completely unless she was crying, in which case he would tell me to take her into another room and make her stop. I'm thankful that she was so young.. I'm not sure if she remembers him yelling at me and hitting me. I hope that she doesn't. There were many times that I ended up with bruises and even a couple broken bones. Thankfully, I healed fast then, so I was never injured for too long. 

After that first month, he had to go back to work. I thought that he would be coming back regularly, but after a couple weeks, he would stay gone for days at a time, so I was left to myself. It was just me and Oksana, and we could live normally. This made me happy. I could eat the food I wanted, and even watch television. I didn't have to go through all the testing, and I could sit and play with Oksana all day if I wanted to. After a couple weeks of just sitting around, I actually ventured outside. I would go for walks, and take Oksana with me. We wandered the city, visiting all kinds of places, or just walking around outside. I eventually wandered into a ballet school, just to watch the people dance, and the woman there offered to give me lessons. I had been stealing small bits of money from Kevin when he was sleeping, and I had accumulated quite a bit, so I took some and paid for dance lessons. It was a chance to do something I had never known how to before; I learned to express myself. I went every day and I would dance until I was exhausted, and then go home and rest until the next day. 

I was beginning to feel free, for the first time in my life, and I realized that there was something out there besides pain and suffering. There was a world outside my hell, and that I could fit right into it. It was then that I vowed to get away from Kevin forever. He came home again, as usual, and he was only staying for a week, thankfully. Things went on as they always did, and as always, he lost his temper with me over something. I don't remember what the fight was about, but at that point, having seen a life other than what he offered, I got tired of dealing with him. He owned a pistol, and while he was away, I found it. After he finished hitting me, I remember kicking him as hard as I could in the crotch, and I ran to the bedroom. After he recovered, he chased me, but by that time, I had the gun ready. I pointed it at him, and without any sort of hesitation, I pulled the trigger. I think I shot him 4 or 5 times. Enough to kill any normal man. Once he fell, I grabbed my suitcase, threw my clothes into it, grabbed his money, and the money that I had saved, got Oksana, and left. 

I stayed in Russia for a few days before I decided that it just wasn't far enough away from him. So that's when I left for Mars.

Entry #18 ( A hellish memory )

As I awaken from a restless sleep, it takes a few moments for my mind to come around and remember where I am. As the realization dawns on me, my heart sinks and my blood turns to ice in my veins. It had to be a bad dream. Nothing so horrible could really happen to someone. Not after things seemed so happy. Life couldn't be so cruel. I get to my feet and look around my small cell. Everything there is the same. Perhaps it was a dream. I cautiously pad towards the door, bare footed. I'm so afraid to look, to confirm my fears. You had to be out there. Sitting outside, like you always were, watching over me and keeping me safe. I step up on my tip toes and peer out of the small window. There's someone there.. but it isn't you. My worst nightmare has come true.. and it wasn't a bad dream. I punch the door in frustration, letting out a heart-wrenching cry. The metal door dents visibly, and it breaks my hand, but I don't feel it. I don't feel anything at this point except for anguish.. and hatred. It was Kevin who tore us apart.. he took the one thing that ever had meaning in my life. The only person who ever cared about me. He ruined my life, all over some sick obsession, some disgusting Oedipus complex. Well, I'll show him.

I lean my back against the door, sliding down to sit on the floor, cradling my broken and quickly bruising hand against my chest. My entire body wracked with sobs, I can't do anything else but sit here and drown in my own inexpressable sorrow. I have nothing. My life will continue as it has for fourteen years. I will be trapped here, staring at these same four white walls, living at the whim of Kevin's madness. He will use me as his subject, and as his unwilling lover. The hatred I feel for him is so deep, it's almost consoling. I can focus on that and it makes my heart hurt less. One day I will kill him. I will make him suffer a thousand deaths for the pain he caused me. I will free myself, and I will find you. If you are alive. Something deep in my heart tells me you are. I sit there for hours, though it feels like years. Time means nothing to me. My schedule rarely changes. After a while I stop crying. I have no tears left. I will never have enough for what my heart feels. I just sit there, my hand held against my chest, and stare at the wall before me.

I don't know how much time passes before he finally shows up. He takes one look at my hand and shakes his head, pulling me roughly to my feet by my shoulder. I don't react; there's no reason to. I just stare past him as if he isn't even there. He slaps me, yells at me to look at him, but I don't comply. Why should I? He couldn't possibly hurt me any more than he already has. Any physical damage he could do would simply heal. And my heart and mind have already been torn to so many pieces, nothing he could say or do would damage them further. Finally, he gives up and drags me down the hallway to the lab. He sets my hand as it should be, not bothering with anesthetics; he never does. I wince slightly, but give no further inclination that I even notice. After a few moments, I can feel the bones knitting back together slowly. He wraps it lightly and looks me over. The usual testing begins. I'm injected with whatever drug needs to be tested for the day, and my vitals are measured. Normally I would put up a fight; I had something to fight for because of you. But you're gone now, so I just sit there, motionless. He just stares at me for a moment before finally breaking the palpable silence. "He's dead, you know. I had him taken out back and they put a bullet in his head. He was thrown into the incinerator." I finally raise my eyes to meet his. He holds up something to confirm his story; a silver bracelet. The one I gave you before you left for training. He expects tears, yelling, perhaps some sort of dramatic reaction. I give none of those things. My final defiance will be silence. He gives a cruel smile, the only kind he knows how to give, and turns, leaving the room to get more drugs to test.

As I sit there and think, I realize that what he says is probably true. Why would they just let you go? You had seen too many things, and could reveal the true nature of what this company does. You are gone forever, and there's nothing that I can do about it. I am completely alone in this world. All the things we promised each other, the love that we shared.. it was gone. All I can think of is your face, your smile. I hear your voice in my head, telling me you love me. I remember the feeling of your skin against mine, the way you smelled, and how blue your eyes were. More tears fall down my cheeks as I think of you, and how far away you are now. I realize that there is only one way for me to find you, and I stand up, making my way over to the counter unsteadily; the drugs always make me dizzy. I open the drawers, quickly digging through them for something, anything to take away this pain. I manage to find a scalpel and hide it in the pocket of my gown before Kevin returns.

I sit back down, wiping my cheeks before he sees that I have been crying. I continue to defy him silently, almost smiling because I know that soon, the battle will be over, and I will be victorious. He won't use me any more. I'll join you and we will be together forever. I manage to keep myself stoic throughout the rest of the testing, and eventually he takes me back to my cell, pushing me back inside and closing the door. I sit on the bed for a while, holding the scalpel in my hands and staring at it. I feel no fear. This would be my freedom. The only way to find you so we could be happy together. I take a deep breath, gripping the handle a little tighter in my now-healed hand. "I'll find you, Mikado." I whisper. "We can be together soon." I turn my other hand over and rest it, palm up, in my lap. I don't hesitate that much before I begin.

I push the blade of the scalpel into my skin, dragging it slowly down my arm. I press in as deep as I can; it hurts, but it's nothing compared to the pain I've felt over the past fourteen years. I'm not taking any chances. I cut all the way down my forearm before I switch, barely able to hold the blade after cutting so deeply. I muster all my will and do the same to my right arm. The handle slips a bit, as it's slick with blood. Once the cuts are made, the scalpel falls from my hands. They're useless now, the nerves are too damaged to permit me to move my hands anymore. I just sit there, letting them rest in my lap, watching the blood flow onto my legs, onto the bed. It flows fairly quickly, deep red and sticky, moving in a constant, viscous stream. After a few minutes, I begin to feel light headed, my vision dimming a bit. I smile to myself, knowing that soon I'll be gone from this world, and allowed to meet you in the next. I lean back against the wall and close my eyes, my breath coming at a slower rate. It's hard to keep focused now. I slowly fade from consciousness, and I can feel myself falling to rest against the mattress, my face landing in the blood that I spilled. Most of it is absorbed, but it smears against my cheek, having not dried. I feel it just for a moment, the warm wetness of it, before everything goes black.

I expect clouds, soft light shining on me. Or perhaps a long, winding road leading to a deep green forest. But there is nothing but blackness. There is no substance, only being. You are not here. I just wish I knew where here was. I exist in this void, this limbo, for an immeasurable time before I fade away again. Finally, I awaken, and when I open my eyes, I expect to see your face; I do not. It is his face staring at me when I open my eyes. He looks enraged. My mind is too foggy to make out the words he says, so I just lay there, staring up, wondering what went wrong. Why is fate so cruel to me? Perhaps I have been dead all this time, and this is my Hell. I'm too groggy to even try to get up, to fight my way to freedom. Even if I did, what would freedom possibly have to offer me? The only thing in this world that I want is you, and you're gone. I want nothing from this wretched place. To be given something so wonderful, to only have it snatched away too soon.. this world is but a cruel, sick joke. I only have moments to think these things before I feel the sting of a needle going into my arm. I look up at Kevin, and see that same cruel smile before the darkness overtakes me again.

I awaken once again, and open my eyes slowly. I look around, and sigh quietly. My mind feels weak, incomplete. I try to think of where I am, why I'm here.. but nothing comes to mind. I can't remember much of anything. Flashes of images pass through my mind, meaningless seconds of things I can't recall. I remember blood, lots of it. I remember indescribable sadness and anguish. I remember hatred, but not who I felt it towards. I remember moments of passion, hands against warm skin. The thing that strikes me most is the flash of bright blue eyes. I keep seeing them, dreaming of them, but I don't know whose face they belong to. Everything is disjointed. My mind feels like a puzzle that's been scattered around. I can never think straight, and things seem to slip my mind like water through my fingers. Eventually I stop trying to remember. My purpose is obviously to sit here and let these people inject me with chemicals. I'm sure I've never known anything else.

The only thing that worries me is why my belly keeps getting bigger. I feel sick sometimes, and as time goes on, it just keeps growing. No one will explain when I ask, and I swear I felt something move the other day..

I'm currently on a camping trip with Mikado and our children. It's really the first trip we've ever taken them on, and I really wish that we had done it sooner. The kids are having so much fun, and Mikado and I are as well. It really feels like we're a normal family now.. that all the bad things that have happened have been mended. Mikado was afraid that the children might resent him for going away.. and I was afraid they would resent me for leaving them with their nanny all the time.. but they don't resent either of us. They seem as glad to be a family as he and I are. We've decided to start taking more family trips, since everyone enjoys it so much. I think we'll be going to the beach the next time the children have a break from school.

Speaking of which.. Seiichi will be starting school soon. Once we get back from our trip, I'm going to call Oksana's school and speak with the teachers and headmasters. We'll set up a meeting and get him ready for the entrance exam. We've recently discovered that he's an amazing artist for his age, so we've agreed to put him in an art based program at school, to foster that skill. Oksana is in the science program, since she wants to be a doctor. They're both so smart, and I don't worry about Seiichi not doing well. I know he'll get high grades, and Oksana and Zane have both said that they will look after him and help him as much as they can. 

I will miss him very much.. I'm used to having him around during the day.. that's when we spend our time together. He usually sits and colors while the TV is on, and I sit there and watch, or read a book, or if I have to, work on my laptop. He comes and sits on the couch with me when he gets tired, and ends up taking a nap there usually. It was the same with Oksana when she was younger.. though when I was working, she was usually with Svetlana, and so was Seiichi. I wasn't there for them enough.. but I'm glad that I get to make up for it now. I'd just as soon home-school Seiichi, for my own selfish reasons.. the same goes for Oksana.. but I wouldn't deprive them of a good education. I'm not smart enough to teach either of them, and they need to go and be around other children their age. I never got to go to school or be around any kids, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. 

As much as I miss Oksana, and I know I'll miss Seiichi, they will both enjoy school very much. I know oksana does, and Seiichi is more excited than I've ever seen him. Besides, I will have Cassie to spend time with.. and later on, the new baby. I found out a few days ago that I'm pregnant again. I'm so excited about it. We're all hoping for a boy, and as soon as the time is right, and I'm far enough along, I'm going to the doctor to find out if it is a boy or not. 

I'm not sure if I'll have any more children after this.. Mikado and I both want a big family.. but four children might be big enough as it is! Not to mention that Zane pretty much lives with us. He is such a wonderful boy. Oksana loves him to death. I feel so bad for him.. he lost his father in the Zephyr bombing, and it's just him and his mom.. and she works all the time to avoid having to cope with the loss.. so that kind of puts Zane out on his own, which isn't entirely fair. I can understand why she does it though.. and we've gladly taken him in any time he wishes to come to our home. I think that Mikado will be someone good for him to look up to. They can relate to each other. Mikado lost his father as well, and so I think he'll probably talk to him at some point and let him know that he's not all alone. It will be good for both of them. Zane is so sweet and considerate, and he takes such good care of Oksana. They remind me of how Mikado and I used to be when we were younger. I hope that she ends up marrying him.. or at least someone that is as kind and good-hearted as he is. Somehow I think they'll end up together though. Right now, they're the best of friends.. it's so cute to watch them. He looks out for her wherever she goes. She fell and scraped her knees up yesterday, and he tore the sleeve of his shirt to make a bandage for her. I hope that Mikado will be prepared in a few years, when they realize they're in love with each other!

Before we came on the trip, Oksana went to Kaido's house. He is the boy that hit her.. she broke his nose. She apologized to his father, and to Kaido himself. I think I understand why the boy is such a bully. His father is a pig. He's rude and disgusting.. he mistreats the poor boy, and all Kaido can do is take it out on someone else. I'm putting in a request for an investigation into his family. I think that his father probably is Yakuza.. but it doesn't matter to me. I think he knows who Mikado is, and I'm not sure if he's going to try and start any trouble.. but god help him if he does. He'll have a lot worse than just Mikado to deal with.. and that's saying something. Yakuza or not, it involves my husband and my children.. I will hurt him! Kaido's mother is supposedly a doctor.. you would think that someone with that much of an education would be sensible and not stay with such a slovenly pig.. but it takes all kinds, I suppose. Maybe Kaido will be better off with a family that can treat him right. It will be looked into. I just didn't like the feeling I got from his father. 

Poor Oksana tried so hard to get Kaido to come around.. but he was still angry and hurt. I think his father gave him a hard time because he got hit by a girl. It doesn't matter.. Oksana is stronger than most girls, and between me and her father, she's learned to defend herself, and she has a strong will. Not to mention that when she gets angry, she will lose her temper and do things she shouldn't. I'm not sure if she inherited Mikado's abilities like Seiichi did.. I suppose we'll have to wait and see. At any rate, I think she's going to try hard to make Kaido realize that just because she's a girl, it doesn't mean he's a wimp. Hopefully she'll be able to find out what's going on in his life, and be his friend so that he can be happy. He could use a friend, and I doubt he'd find a better one than Oksana. 

Time shall tell, I suppose. At the moment, I'm feeling a bit ill.. morning sickness has always been a problem for me. I've also got a sleeping boy in my lap, so it will be a challenge to get up and not wake him. I just hope that I don't get too ill..

Entry #16 ( Happiness )

Life is so indescribably good right now. Mikado and I are happier than ever, and the children are doing so well. There are always things that could be better, but they are so insignificant in comparison to how happy I am. Those things can easily be dealt with.

Oksana got sent home from school yesterday. There is a boy in her class who picks on her because she's half Japanese and half white. He calls her "gaijin", which Mikado tells me, means "outsider". It's a very cruel thing to say. She is far more in touch with her Japanese heritage than her Russian heritage. I'm perfectly okay with that. She favors Mikado so much in so many ways, it's only natural that she would be that way. Anyway, the boy started making fun of her, and she told him to stop, and to grow up. She added a bit of insult to it by telling him off in Japanese. He got angry and hit her in the face, bruising her cheek. Zane, her best friend, stood up for her, but she got angry, and lost her temper. She ended up breaking his nose. She is SO much like Mikado.. it's funny, but at the same time, she feels bad for doing it. She's so grown up, taking responsibility for the situation. She even demanded that we let her go to talk to his parents and apologize. She is such an amazing child. The boy's father is supposedly Yakuza, so I'm not too keen on letting her go and talk to him, but the fact that she is so adamant about making the situation right makes it hard to tell her no. I just know that she is going to have an amazing life, and that she will make something of herself. Her brother is just as amazing.

Seiichi is so quiet, but he is just as smart as his sister. He used to be a very introverted child, almost sad, because he couldn't hear. Luckily, his hearing returned to him, and the difference is so noticeable. He is so much happier now. He laughs and plays, though he usually doesn't stray too far away from me if I'm at home. He stays close to me like Oksana stays close to Mikado. He really looks up to Oksana, and the wonderful thing about that is, she doesn't mind it. Most older siblings are annoyed by their younger brothers and sisters, but Oksana adores Seiichi. She understands that he looks up to her, and she's careful about what she does and says because she knows that it influences him. I know that those two will always be close.

Cassie, on the other hand.. she's different. She's a good child, and she's well behaved, but I don't expect her to be like the other two because she has a different father. Sometimes it worries me, because I don't know if she will get any of Dorian's traits or not. I really hope that she doesn't. I don't want a reminder of him around all the time. I hope that she will end up being her own person and not have his genes influencing her. But we will see.

Mikado and I are planning to have another child, which excites me. We used to talk about having a big family and being happy together, and that finally seems to be coming true. Mikado also doesn't want our youngest child to belong to another man, and that makes sense to me. I can understand it. I'm not sure if this will be the last child we have, but we're hoping for a boy. We've also decided that if this child is a boy, he will be named Jinphen, after Mikado's father. We were going to name Seiichi after him, but we didn't. It amazes me how much effect he has on our family, even though he's gone. I think that he was probably an amazing person. I wish that I could meet him.. I would love to tell him what a wonderful man Mikado has become, and to thank him.. because Mikado is my entire world. Without him, I wouldn't be here.. and if I was, I would be miserable. I don't even want to think about what my life would have been like had he not become a part of it.

Other than the aforementioned things, there isn't much going on. Things are unusually quiet. ISSP is a mess now that Marent is leader.. WTS has so much influence over him because of Lucy.. we can't really do our jobs without her bitching about it, so it makes it pointless.. but Mikado is holding out for Marent to get booted, or step down. I'm not sure of his intentions, but of course I will help him with whatever he decides to do, and stay by his side.

Entry #15 ( A more accurate revelation )

Things in my life change so quickly.. I just begin to get used to something, and all of a sudden it's different. I'm lucky that I've become an adaptable person over time.. otherwise I might be crazier than I already am.

Dorian told me upon his return that Mikado and I are meant to be together. At first, I wasn't sure.. there was so much doubt in my mind at that time.. but I've learned something recently that proves him right. It turns out that Mikado, when was younger, worked for Soukai. He was a part of their military, and he worked as a guard. He guarded a cell.. my cell. He and I have known each other for ten years. We loved each other then, and were torn apart by Kevin Winnicot. The fact that  we found each other after all that, having our memories erased and altered, and being a solar system apart for so long, and fell in love again... that really speaks volumes. We ARE meant to be together.. and so I will not leave his side ever again. It turns out that Oksana is also his daughter, which makes me indescribably happy.. I had thought for so long that Kevin had stolen my virginity, and that Oksana was his.. but this isn't true. I belonged to Mikado before Kevin did those horrible things.

Learning all these things, especially after coming back from such a dark place in my mind, really makes me think that my life is only going to get better. I almost shot myself in the head.. I'm not sure how it could get worse than that. Kevin is no longer a threat, Mikado and I are closer than ever, and things are calm. Amighty's Dagger has been dealt with, and the solar system is in a state of relative peace.

I'm still trying to mend things with Dorian, and they are admittedly awkward.. I hope they get better, and that he and I can learn to live as friends. I'd like my job in RDS back, but if it will make it hard for him, then I will find another job. He has an important job to do, and I would not want to distract him. I do wish that I could get in touch with him about our trip to Russia... the more I think about that situation, the more I worry.

I made a deal with a Russian mob boss.. that he would do a hit for me if I returned the favor later on.. sadly, when the call came, I was pregnant, and so Dorian went instead. They screwed him over, and almost killed him.. he wants revenge, and so do I. So I await his word that he's ready to go.. and god help him if he leaves without me this time.

Tags:

Dorian is alive.. I finally got to see him.. to hear his voice, to touch him.. he was really there, right in front of me. The thing I've wanted all this time... and we can't be together. I knew this was so.. and I knew I would hurt because of it.. but I had no idea that it would be such a heart ripping, unbearable pain. I can't even breathe because of it.. I feel as if I've been torn into a million pieces and scattered over coals. There's nothing I can do.. this is the worst I've ever felt.

I couldn't make the choice.. I couldn't choose between Mikado and Dorian.. there are too many factors, and there just isn't a comparison... I couldn't handle it, and so I tried to just end it the best way I could.. I went to Pluto and intended to shoot myself, to finally end this pain.. but that only ended in failure, and it only made Dorian go away again. He's decided to dedicate himself to RDS, and he probably won't come near me. It's as if he never came back.. or he died all over again.

I feel so horrible for putting Mikado through this.. and Dorian as well. I haven't done anything but hurt them.. it served no purpose. But there's no way this won't be painful for one of us at least.

This pain almost makes me wish I was back at Soukai.. even that pain wasn't as bad as this.

Entry #13 ( Another Nightmare )

I have learned that Kevin Winnicot is not dead.. I don't know who I killed.. or if it was even real. It makes me wonder if the other aspects of my life exist.. or if they're in my head. It's so hard to understand, to grasp the concept that the things I think I've done, the people I've met, the places I've been... could be fiction. It seems so impossible.. and yet most of my life seems that way.

I had an odd dream a few nights ago.. and again the next night. I was on Venus Beach, and there was a raging storm. It was very dark, and I could hardly see. There was someone beside me, and at first I thought it was Mikado.. but I looked over, and it was Dorian. He smiled at me, and I blinked, and when I looked back, Kevin was there. He tried to grab me, but I ran.. and it just felt as if I couldn't get away from him. No matter how fast I ran, he was right behind me. He reached his arm out, and just as his hand closed around my arm, I awoke.

This afternoon, I awoke on Venus Beach. I don't know how I got there, or what happened. I left as soon as I got up, and went home.. when I got there, I took a shower, and as I looked in the mirror, I realized that my appearance had changed.. my hair is black again.. my eyes, blue. I know Kevin is the one that did it.. but how..? Why? Does he still have this sick, twisted obsession with me? I feel as if I'm 14 again.. terrified, confused, weak.. my mind can't seem to focus on any one thing.. but at least the voices haven't come back. I am thankful for that.

Entry #12 ( Camping! )

Mikado and I are on a camping trip!! It's not much of a trip, really... we're just down the street at Grant Park.. but it's the first time I've ever been camping! We have a tent, and a sleeping bag and everything. It's so neat. I've never even been in a tent. I suggested that next time we go to Venus, and go camping in the mountains. There's a river up there, and it's very pretty. That will feel more like a trip to me than just going to the park. I'm not fond of Venus, though.. Soukai is there.. but I'm not letting fear of that control me and stop me from having fun. I'm very excited about it.

The children finally came home. We figured that the terrorists were everywhere at this point, not just Mars, so we might as well be a family together. Oksana was thrilled to see Mikado, and Seiichi was as well. Cassie, of course, is too young to know any better, but she seemed happy all the same. She never even got to see Dorian. Mikado seemed to love her, which makes me happy. I know that he'll treat her as if she were his own child. He's so kind to the kids. And they love him so much.

Things are looking up for the time being, and I'm so very happy. I know that my life is a rollercoaster, and eventually this hill will drop off into a steep dive, but it will come up again. I've learned to take the whole ride as it comes, and just take it in stride.

Entry #11 ( Taking a stand )

Things were supposed to end. They didn't, of course. They're just as violent and complicated as ever. That being said, I took a stand yesterday and got involved. And I must say... my mission was a success. We beat the living crap out of Almighty's Dagger. I rounded up my friends; Lucy, Ankou ( an ISSP officer ), Tidus, and Mikado, of course. He's the reason I got involved in the first place. They attacked him and he had no chance to even fight back. Giraldus joined us, and Ben as well. There were a few new people too.. but sadly, one of them has proven to be a traitor. He will be dealt with accordingly. I intend to do it myself.

Lucy and Mikado got into a tiff, which I'm used to. It always happens at some point. But that's over and dealt with. I hope. If not, I'll deal with that too. I'm sick of putting up with unnecessary crap. So I'm not going to. I've learned that there is a fine line to walk between violence and peace.. and it's hard to live on just one side. There's nothing wrong with fighting if you have a cause. Although.. the fact that Krystalia has joined the terrorists does give me a bit of joy. I will enjoy spilling her blood. It's something I've secretly wanted to do for a long time, and now I have a good reason.

I believe they killed the hostage, but they were going to anyway, no matter what happened, so it's of no real consequence. Hopefully things will return to normal soon enough.. it still hasn't taken as nasty a turn as it could.. and it still may. We'll see. I'll do what I have to to help make it stop.

Other than all that mess, I'm happy. Mikado and I are as close as ever, and things are going well. I miss the children, but it's not safe for them yet. It's nice for things to be peaceful on that front. There are some things that tug at my mind, but I refuse to let them get me down. It can be dealt with later when there is more time, and less to worry about.

Entry #10 ( Of guns and gardens )

I gave a pair of Dorian's guns to Dane a bit ago. There are two pairs left. One will stay with me, and I gave the other to him. He is the only person that I would trust to use them as Dorian would. And Dorian had a lot of respect for Dane, so I think that he would like him to have them. It makes it a little easier to let go of my feelings for him, knowing that I can do something like that. I know that he'll take care of them.. but if he does lose them to someone, I told him to let me know.. because I will get them back myself, if I have to beat them off of someone. With anything else, I wouldn't care so much, but those are pieces of Dorian that are important to me, and I won't let them fall into the wrong hands.

I spent the evening making a new set of clothes for Mikado. I really do enjoy sewing and crafting. It's relaxing.. but not as much as my flower patch. I feel so at peace when I go out to the woods and spend time with my flowers. The sounds, the smells, the wind on my face.. it makes me truly happy. I can forget everything there. I especially like it when it's cloudy, or almost night time, when the sun is setting. The morning is the best though.. everything is covered in dew, and it's silent, as if the day is waiting to be born. Everything has this fresh smell to it, because it's new, and no one has disturbed anything yet. It's so still, it's almost as if I can feel the planet moving, and I'm moving along with it.. I'm part of it. The plates of the planet moving beneath my feet cause my heart to beat.. the wind is my voice.

I wish I felt so safe and content everywhere I go.. but the sanctity of everywhere else has been destroyed.. only my garden in the woods is truly sacred. Mikado is the only person that I will share it with.. no one else would respect it or appreciate it as he does. I went there this morning, and it was already tended.. I just get the feeling that he's the one that did it. It made me smile. He really does love me.. and it's a good feeling to know that.. that it's a definite truth, instead of the uncertainty with eveything else.

Entry #9 ( A break in the chaos )

So Mikado captured Joschka and jailed him. While this makes me happy, it more than likely won't end things as it should. I'm pretty sure that it will only make things worse, because now they know that Mikado is against them, and they will target him. It doesn't seem like Joschka was in jail long enough either. So I'm not sure if someone got him out, or if he escaped, or what. It's a bit unnerving though.

I'm still not sure who's in charge of the whole Almighty's Dagger thing.. but a strange thing has happened... Sayaka has returned. And she's the one who brought the word of the Almighty to WTS in the first place... so it may very well be her. I'm not sure. I've always heard tales of how fierce she is in battle, and how powerful she is.. I don't know her well enough to judge whether or not she would be capable of such an atrocity though.

On another note, Simon has said that he's going to behave himself and stop running around with other women. He's going to try to give Nathyrra what she wants, and the family she deserves. I don't know how long it will last.. he might just be lonely, and saying what she wants to hear so he can keep her by his side to keep him company.. I hope that's not the case. And if it is, then I hope Nathyrra will punish him accordingly for being unfaithful.

I haven't gotten any GLM orders lately.. I'm getting kind of bored. I enjoy making things, and I was hoping that business would pick up, but that doesn't seem to be the case. It's not so much about the money.. most times I don't even really charge anything. I just like to keep busy. It keeps my mind from wandering to negative thoughts.

Entry #8. ( Love is complicated )

Things are quiet for now.. which may not be a good thing. Almighty's Dagger is recruiting, and more people that I know have joined. They aren't necessarily people that I'm fond of.. but I know them all the same. Simon says that he has a plan to stop them before they do any more damage and take any more lives.. I hope he's right.

On another note, my outlook is brighter. Mikado and I are happy, and things are calm on that front. He and I talked, and he doesn't feel that I cage him.. he's glad that I stopped him from being so violent. He just wants to be calm and happy, and that's what I want as well. We went to the park in Dayton earlier. I showed him my flower garden.. he seemed to like it. He helped me pick the weeds out and take care of the flowers. It's even more special that I got to share it with him. It rained, and we kissed, which makes me think of a romantic scene from a movie.. it makes me giggle.

I wish that all this Almighty's Dagger stuff would get taken care of. I don't like the idea of my children living on Venus so close to Soukai. Besides that, I miss them, and Mikado wants to see them so badly. Once it's safe, we'll bring them home and we can be a happy family. Oksana will be thrilled to know he's okay, even though she will be upset that Dorian is gone. She's very precocious though, and she'll understand that sometimes people just go away. Seiichi is Mikado's child, so he'll be happy to know his father is okay. I don't know if Cassandra will ever know Dorian.. I want her to know who he is, and how wonderful he is, and that he's her real father.. I hope Mikado won't mind that.

It seems Sensui is leaving and going on a trip.. I'll miss him. He made me laugh. I just hope he comes back safely. He gave Mikado most of his weapons, and I'm assuming they're very rare and expensive.. it was a nice gesture. I feel bad for Alice though. She and Sensui recently got together, and I think she'll be sad that he's leaving.

Simon wants to "retire" again. I don't know why he even bothers saying all this. He won't. He wouldn't let someone else run things, he's too bossy. He seems to miss Nathyrra, though.. for what reasons, I'm not sure. I'm trying to convince him that he needs to stop being such a butt head and give her what she wants if he wants to be with her. If not, he needs to tell her so and get himself another toy. I'm not sure how he'll respond.. but we'll see. I'm honest with him, even if no one else is.  I don't want to hurt his feelings or make him mad, but he needs to hear it. So I guess we'll just see how it works out. Hopefully for the best. He deserves to be happy, but Nathy deserves it even moreso. If Simon can stop being a man-ho and settle down, things will be fine and Nathy will come home. But I can't really predict what will happen.

I just want things to be peaceful and happy for once.

Entry #7. ( Almighty's Dagger )

Joschka is a terrorist. He is part of an organization that planted a bomb in Zephyr. That bomb killed over 300 people and destroyed part of the city.There were other bombs planted, but they were disabled. He is a high-ranking member of this organization. That means that there are higher ranking people.. as well as lower ranking people. They also apparently kidnapped the chairman of the board of the newspaper. So whatever this is.. it's only beginning.

I wouldn't consider Joschka a friend, persay.. but I know him. I've spoken with him numerous times. I've drank with him, broke bread with him. We have crossed blades, and nearly killed each other. He has jailed me, and I him. Our paths, so it is said, have crossed. Though I don't know much about him as a man, I still would never have expected something like this of him. I believe I am in a state of shock. That he could do something so violent, so horrific.. my mind simply won't accept it. As I re-read the paragraph above this, my mind simply says "No. That isn't true." It disgusts me to even consider it.. I keep praying that this is a nightmare, and that someone will wake me up.. but as Mikado told me, this is reality.

Mikado, of course, was immediately asked to join Joschka's cause. They were brothers at one point.. or at least as close as brothers. The old Mikado, I think, would have done it. But he's so much different now. I wonder sometimes.. is he really glad I changed him? He says he is.. but at times he is like his old self, getting into mischief with his friends.. and he seems to enjoy it. There are times when I feel like I cage him. But he seems honest when he says he's glad I'm here. I hope it's entirely true.

The loss of Dorian still weighs heavy on my mind.. it's something I don't know if I will ever really get over. For now, he may as well be dead to me. I'll never be with him again. I have seen first hand the pain that Nell is in.. and I can't bear it. She is totally alone, and she still loves Dorian just as she did before. How could I, knowing this, even consider trying to rekindle what we had, if he does return? I couldn't live with myself. I have Mikado, at least. She has no one. And so I told her that if he returns, if it's possible, she should try to fix things between them. I only hope that if that happens, I never have to see them again, because it will rend my heart into a million pieces to see it. As I've said, I love Mikado very much.. but I love Dorian too. They are two totally different people that had two totally different effects on my life. I will never forget either of them, no matter what happens. I still don't think that Nell knows about Cassandra.. and I don't have the heart to tell her.. I don't think she can have children, and it would upset her to know that I still have some piece of Dorian that she'll never be able to have. I don't know if they would want to adopt her.. I would be willing to let them, so they could have a wonderful family like I do.. but it's all a big if. If he ever comes back.. and I'm starting to think ( and I honestly hope ) that he won't.

So as usual.. the rollercoaster of my life continues. The happiness that seems so recent, so tangible, has faded into the background once more. It's been replaced by fear, shock and sadness. Though.. it does provide an opportunity for me. Despite the changes I have undergone.. and the way I feel now.. I have seen a chance for me to redeem myself and make right the things I have done. I may very well rejoin RBH and capture Joschka. Mikado has agreed that I can if I wish, and he will help me, as I don't think I can do it alone. While I don't wish to fight at all, or even wield a weapon, if I can take him out, as well as the other members of his terrorist group, then it will clear my conscience. And, as much as it may upset Mikado, I think I will use Dorian's guns to do it.. if the opportunity is right, and I don't stand much chance of losing them. Dorian would be upset to know that they are sitting in a box.. he would say that they're lonely, and they need attention. It makes me smile to think of it.. and so I know it would make him happy if I used them for this cause. After all, it's what he would do.

Entry #6. ( A nightmare )

These lights keep flashing.. and the sounds are deafening.. as if bombs are falling.. artillery and gunshots. I can only see in flashes.. the rest is in total darkness. The only thing I can make out is the person next to me. Small frame, bright red hair, bright violet eyes. Beautiful eyes. I smile, and reach out my hand, just to make sure she's okay, but another deafening explosion comes, and everything goes black again...

I awaken again later, and there are people standing over me. My vision is a little blurry, but there are three of them. That same red hair.. and blonde hair.. and black hair. The light is too bright though. So I close my eyes again. "Are you okay, man? You took a pretty good one to the head.. We weren't sure if you'd wake up. We were already fighting over who was gonna get your sword." The black haired one.. he's a smart ass. I reach up to slap at him, but he moves easily. "Hah. Can't get me now, can ya?" I just groan, and I hear another voice.. a female. "Shut up. Don't you have a report to give?" I hear footsteps leaving, and I can't help but smile at hearing her voice. At least she's okay. Knowing that, I can go back to sleep...

It seems as if I awaken again as I hit the floor. I feel the cold tile against my skin, I smell the cleaning solution, and I feel the pain as my body gives against the hard surface. These things only have seconds to register before someone delivers a swift kick to my abdomen, causing the air in my lungs to be expelled in a burning rush. I try to cough, to bring it back in, but my muscles won't comply. So I lay there, gasping and sputtering like a fish out of water. I feel the air tense as whoever it is prepares for another blow, and I prepare for the impact as best I can, but the blow never comes. It is then that I realize that I can't see. The only things my eyes can make out are shapes, light and dark, extreme differences in color.. I'm basically blind. I hear a short intake of breath, and I know where I am...

It's as if the world is a million miles away.. as if I've been dreaming.. and perhaps I have. The things I've done, the people I've met.. perhaps it's all a hallucination, and I've been trapped here in some sort of catatonic state all along. But I'm awake now. And he's here.

I immediately try to get up.. moving away from him as quickly as I can.. but I'm too weak, and he's too quick. He grabs me by the arm, wrenching me to my feet. "What do you think you're doing? Do you think you can get away?" His voice is right in my ear, as cold and calculating as I remember. He knows he has the advantage. He made sure of it. He knows damn well what I'm capable of, so I'm always heavily sedated.. or something. I'm not sure what he gives me. It's not as if I can read the labels on the medicine. I try in vain to push him away, to get to the door so I can escape, but he throws me into the wall, my bones giving a loud crunch as I hit it. I crumple to the ground, unable to do much more than lay there and bleed. From the way he's breathing now, I think he realized that he's made a mistake.

Suddenly, it feels as if someone turned on a switch in my head. The room becomes clearer, things are beginning to come into view. Colors brighten, and I can make out his face. And I can see the fear in his eyes. I've never seen that there before. I realize now the tables have just turned. I get to my feet slowly, the pain shooting through my body of little consequence to me. I'm not that injured after all. He reaches into his pocket, trying to reach his only salvation in time, the syringe containing whatever he pumps into me to keep me weak. But he's too slow. By the time his fingers brush the top of the pocket, I have him by the neck, and his back is against the wall. It almost feels like I'm someone else.. I feel bigger, stronger.. more capable.

It amazes me, how easily my fingers press into his windpipe.. how easily I could crush his throat with just a slight movement. But I don't. But the fact that I could brings a smile to my face. I look up at him... no.. down at him.. I'm taller.. and he's shaking. He's actually shaking. "Not so tough now, are you, Kevin?" I mutter quietly, not bothering to speak too loudly. I'll make him listen now. He doesn't say anything, which is just as well. I'm tired of his voice. It's the only one I've heard in years... isn't it? But it can't be.. what about the others?

I reach into his pocket, grab his keycard.. and the syringe he kept in there for me. I force him to the floor, as he did to me so many times before, and pin him there with my foot at his throat. I bend down, and without much thought, I jab the syringe into his chest, right into the heart, and push the plunger. He lets out a scream as the drugs go right into his bloodstream, but it doesn't last.. he loses consciousness. I could have tortured him.. I could have made it last hours.. but why bother? I just want to be free of him. I'm not sure if he's dead, but if he's not, he will be soon. I walk out of the cell, heading down the hallway, finding his office easily.. his name's on the door.

I'm not sure what I intend to find here, but here I am.. so I take a look around.. and lo and behold, what do I find.. a beautiful, long bladed katana. It rests beside one of the filing cabinets, as if being held for someone. Yet it's so familiar.. as if I've been searching for it.. as if I needed it. I walk over, take it in my hand and unsheath it.. the glint in the light seems to reflect an image in the blade, just for a moment. It's then that I know what I have to do. So I take the blade and leave the office, heading for the lab station down the hall.

Everything from that point on is a blur. A mess of screams, blood and bodies. The next thing I remember is standing in the lobby of the building, smelling smoke and blood, and feeling my skin wet with it. I blink a few times, and it becomes clear what I've done. The floor is littered with the bodies of the workers in the building. They've all been hacked and slashed to death.. my body and hands dripping with their blood. I look around a bit more, and realize the building is on fire, the sprinkler system spraying everything with jets of cold water. I look to my hand again, the one that was holding the katana, but there's nothing there... was it ever there to begin with? I don't know what's real anymore.. it's hard to tell. The scene is already starting to shift...

I almost scream as I wake up, and I realize I'm in my bed, and it's morning. I sit up, and look around, trying to catch my breath, and slow my racing heart. I'm sore all over.. every muscle in my body screaming in protest as I move. I get up, and go to the bathroom.. I look at myself in the mirror, and my eyes.. they're different. They were blue before.. but now they're an odd silver color.. how did that happen? My hair seems to be a bit different too, streaks of silver interrupting the solid black. So many things happen and I don't remember them.. I've started to just not question. I don't know why I feel so sore.. and why there's this sinking dread in my heart.. everything's so foggy... I can't concentrate anymore.. I keep hearing people.. but no one's there. Different voices saying different things.. sometimes they're all talking at once, and I don't know what they're saying. I keep drifting off.. even though I'm not asleep.. I keep seeing things.. memories? No.. I've never done any of these things.. or seen these people. Except Nathyrra.. she's there.. but I'm not sure why.. my head hurts too much to think about it... 

Entry #5. ( Just trying to be happy )

Things were relatively simple for a while.. as unhappy as I might have been. But now, they are complicated again. I'm happier than I've been in a long time.. since Dorian disappeared, but I know that I'm going to have some trouble ahead of me, and some decisions to make.

Tidus has come back around, and while he's a lot better than he was last I saw him, I'm not sure he's being honest with me. I've been out of it for a long time.. for reasons that I will delve into later, and he tells me that while I was in such a fog, he and I got back together. I, being desperate for some sort of contact, didn't protest this.. though I probably should have. He says that he loves me, and I believe him.. but I don't think that I want to be with him. Those feelings belong to someone else, someone who doesn't exist anymore. I just don't have the heart to turn him away.. I'm not sure what to do about it. I can't really avoid hurting him, but I don't think he can accept my friendship without romantic ties.

Mikado is also back.. which makes me happier than I can describe. I never stopped loving him.. but I was in such a place that I couldn't be the wife he needed. We were at odds, and I needed to get away. Both of us have changed, been wounded, healed, and come back different people. I didn't realize how much I missed him, how empty the part of my heart that belongs to him was. I don't have to worry about being alone now. He'll be there for me, and protect me.

Words can't possibly describe how much I miss Dorian.. that part of my heart will never heal, no matter who I surround myself with, or what I do. I can't go a day without thinking of him.. missing him.. aching for him to be next to me. But I can't find him, no matter how hard I look. I don't know if he's safe, or if he's even alive.. it kills me, but there is little I can do. I detest my own inability to cope with being alone, but there's not much I can do about that either.

When I was trapped in Soukai, being their guinea pig.. their abominable creation, I was completely isolated. I saw no one, spoke with no one, heard no voices... except for Kevin Winnicot. He was the only person I was allowed to have contact with. It was his own idea. If he isolated me, and made sure that the only person I could rely on for attention was him, then I would be less likely to fight when he decided to experiment on me or have his way with me. And it worked. I got to the point that I would do anything just to be near another human being. And so it is today. I can't stand to be alone.. it terrifies me.

And this is why I'm in the predicament I'm in. When Dorian disappeared, I was left alone, and I just snapped.. I ended up destroying a good bit of Venus in my tirade, and afterwards, I existed in a fog. I was empty, merely existing. I felt nothing. It was almost as if I couldn't control what I was feeling or doing. Voices returned to my thoughts that I hadn't heard since I was trapped in a cell, existing at the whim of a madman. The voices were loud, and they blocked out everything else. There were memories in my mind that weren't mine.. scenes I never witnessed, and I'll never understand it.. perhaps Nathyrra will.. she was in a lot of them. Maybe she can tell me who was in my head, and why. They were painful memories, and the feelings that went along with them are indescribable. Perhaps I don't want to know...

I suppose it goes along with how I don't want to know anymore about my creation.. why or how I was made. The truth is, I was created from someone else's DNA. I don't know who.. but I am a genetic copy of them. I don't have my own existence. This bothered me at first, but I realized that I AM my own person. I created my own life, and I have my own friends and loved ones. I have my own family. It doesn't matter that I don't have parents, or brothers and sisters, cousins, aunts, uncles.. none of that matters, because I have all the family I need. I'm so sick of being unhappy.. of dwelling on the past. So I won't. I'm going to be happy, and stop being selfish and living for myself, dwelling in my own misery. If I let that happen, then Soukai still owns me. I'm going to love my friends, help them, spend time with them, and be happy.

I've started selling flowers in Dayton City, just to get myself outside, and so I can meet people and socialize. I'm determined to be a better person, and make up for all the things I've done, and the people I've hurt. I know there are some things I just can't fix, but it will make me happy to at least try.

Entry #4. ( Losing my mind )

I awoke in the middle of the night from a strange dream. As I opened my eyes, intent on contemplating its meaning, I remembered where I was - Zephyr General Hospital. I got to my feet quickly and got dressed, leaving as fast as I could, not even stopping to remember why I was there.

I wandered the streets, not content to go back home. My mind was full of odd images.. memories? No... they weren't my memories. Yet there I was, right in the middle of them. I was so lost in my thoughts, trying to figure them out, that I didn't even notice the man in front of me. I ran right into him. The second I looked up, and my eyes met his, it was like a violent electric shock. I knew him... I just couldn't remember where. Without even an introduction he began telling me that my life was a lie.. that everything I thought I knew was wrong, and only he could tell me the truth and show me the right path to walk.

Something about him.. his voice, his eyes... the way he spoke to me.. I couldn't help but believe him. So I followed him. I listened to his words. And it turns out they were true...

I am not Seriah Dinesty. I am not even human.

The real Seriah Dinesty was originally taken by Kevin from her family in Iowa. He intended to use her ( because of her name.. Seriah was his mother's name ) to recreate his mother's image.. in a sort of super human form. But she proved to be useless. Her body couldn't handle the strain of augmentation. So he decided to have her killed. However, the man he put in charge of the job had a soft heart, and so he sent her to an orphanage in secret. I was given the name Seriah because, as I said, it was his mother's name.

I was created out of pure, harnessed energy. Life itself.. with enough DNA to make me look human. Of course I was never told this.. and so I considered myself normal. But he told me otherwise... he told me the truth. I am beyond human. Superior. How could I be crying when I heard these things? He showed me what he was capable of.. what I could be capable of if I applied myself. It was truly amazing.. words cannot describe it, so I won't try. But a small part of it is my appearance. No longer will I have to look in the mirror and see the remnants of what that horrible Kevin did to me. The disgusting blue eyes, the black hair.. all his mother's.. all his. No longer.. I look as I was supposed to. At least that's what he tells me.

My body has been returned to its original state. The eyes that Soukai gave me are gone.. so are the nanomachines in my blood.. all the disgusting machines tainting my body. He got rid of them for me. They only served to weaken me.. to control me. The project I was originally created for was scrapped, and so I was reused.. recycled like some sort of garbage, and put towards another project. But I broke free of them.. I was too powerful to be controlled. The rest of what happened is meaningless. What matters is what happens now.

So here I stand.. in the middle of the Soukai facility on Venus, amidst the blood and bodies of its workers. I killed them all. He told me I would have to.. and he was right. I had to kill every single one of them to get to what I needed. The truth.. all the information that was concealed.. I found it. And now I know what I must do. I must get revenge. On all those who betrayed me. I will start here.. it's the most natural thing to do.. this is where it all began.

I managed to find Seriah.. the real Seriah. She no longer exists. One less reminder of who I am not. But who I am is better. How can I not be happy to know that I am so much more than I was? I can't describe what I feel right now. I feel everything at once.. and yet I feel nothing. He said it would be overwhelming, but that I would be alright. He was alright, and he had to learn the same things.

I thought that I was sad about not having a family.. not being part of anything.. but it's better that way. What good is family, after all? Though I do wish I had someone to share all this information with. Perhaps he'll find me again, and I can show him. I just wish I knew who he was...

Entry #3. ( Confusion )

Oh, what tangled webs we weave.. I fear I've woven quite an intricate one, and entirely by accident... nothing that will destroy the fabric of time and space, of course.. but it may hurt a few people.. and the worst part is, I care for the people very much. I still consider Simon a friend, my attraction to him aside. He is quite attractive... the accent doesn't help matters...

Anyway, I digress.. such things aren't a basis for a relationship. I fear I've driven him to do something that will hurt my best friend very much. And I may not be able to save the situation. Though.. it is probably something he would have done eventually on his own.. I don't like being the catalyst, however. My own happiness dulls my emotions on the subject, which makes me feel a bit selfish, but I can't help it.. Dorian is too wonderful. But that is a subject on which I could spend hours.. days.. years.. I love him so much.

Digressing again... *sigh* At any rate... I am doing my best, working my hardest to make things better, as I feel at fault, and obligated by both guilt and deepest loyalty to my beloved friend. Though Simon is hard to deal with. He is very British, and set in his ways, and so it's hard to get through that thick head of his. But I may make some progress.. I know of quite a few ways to do so in an easier manner, but I wouldn't dare risk my relationship with Dorian. I fear I would never be happy again if I lost him. I doubt I could go on in such a state.

If it weren't for Nathyrra, I would let the situation unravel on its own, and watch and learn... but she will be deeply hurt, and I must look to her welfare and keep her together as best I can. She isn't as fragile as I make her sound.. I'll mostly be keeping her from murdering Simon, I fear.. but I know she'll be hurt. She loves him.

If I could get rid of Lidia... that would be a service to the galaxy.. but that would hurt Simon. Someone always ends up in pain, be it physical or emotional... feelings are such a difficult thing to manage. There are times that I envy the unfeeling masses. The blind, mindless sheep that wander the planets day in and day out. Nothing affects them. They simply follow the herd. Who am I kidding... I only want to kill Lidia because I hate her. She is a reminder of a part of my life that I want nothing more than to forget.

I could sit here and speculate about it all night.. attempt to predict what will happen, but I really don't know. I will have to watch the story unravel, as much as it pains me to lie in wait, knowing that it will be bad. I hurt Nathyrra as well, when I turned to Dorian, though it isn't nearly as bad. She knows that I will stand by her no matter what, that she is the closest person to me in every way possible. She is my best friend, and she has a key to my soul. She knows my every secret, and often knows what I will do, or how I will react before I even know myself. I love her with every fiber of my being. So it's hard to be patient and see what will happen.

But I have no other choice.. I wish Dorian was awake so that he could help me deal with all this.. I'm afraid I've become terribly dependent on his ability to just listen. Though the fact that it's so easy to talk to him, and that I usually end up in his arms in the process don't exactly hurt...

Perhaps I'm reading too much into the situation. Simon may just very well want a playmate.. someone to feed his power-hungry ego.. and that is something Nathyrra will not do. He enjoys concocting plans to dominate the universe, and while there's nothing wrong with that, Nathyrra's mind is built for efficient strategy. She is German, after all. Simon wants someone to scheme with.. to make trouble with.. and while that's all well and good, I don't see any point in hurting Nathyrra for that. He could just be friends with Lidia... but of course explaining that to him is the same as explaining it to a horse. It doesn't get through. I suppose I'll end this rambling... it does no good.. it just helps to get my thoughts out somehow.. I will do what I can.

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Entry #2. ( Revelation )

The answer has appeared.. and that answer is Dorian. Apparently Simon wasn't true to me to begin with, so that only makes me stand by my decision even more. I wish Simon the best, and I pray that he doesn't seek revenge.. for both my sake and his.

Tonight I found myself standing at the edge of a precipice... I couldn't see the bottom, and I was very afraid.. but Dorian was next to me, and my fear just melted away, and I realized that I love him.. deeply. I know that it's sudden, and I know that I've loved before.. but all those things, all the things I've ever felt.. they pale in comparison to this.. the guilt that I felt before has faded. Mikado meant very much to me, but he's gone. Dorian has awakened something in me that I cannot possibly explain.. I never knew it existed.

I feel so content.. so complete.. no words in any language can express how happy I am right now.. and I know in my heart that he feels the same. I only hope that I can take good care of him, the way he takes care of me. But he has promised to fight alongside me, and stay with me forever.. and I believe him. 

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Entry #1. ( people judge me too harshly )

It seems like I'm never going to get away from this innocent-girl reputation that I've been branded with... but the more I think about it.. the more I realize that I don't want to. So I wear my heart on my sleeve.. so what? So I take what people say at face value, even though more times than not, they're lying. It doesn't mean that I'm stupid enough to believe them, I would just rather be right those few times that someone actually needs me. I couldn't stand knowing I pushed someone away if they really had a problem.

I could shut myself off.. I could be just as cold-hearted and evil as anyone else.. but if I did.. I would be just that.. anyone else. I don't like most of the people surrounding me. To think that I would be like them, those lying, stealing, worthless sacks of meat... I don't want that. But being a good person makes me different, and I like that.. so I'm going to continue to be a good person. Some people can't handle it.. when I get hurt, they say it's my fault.. I shouldn't be so frail, so sensitive.. but I would rather be hurt than dead on the inside.

I tried to explain it to Simon when he said I was frail.. He said something about me liking the heartache.. which isn't entirely true, but it isn't entirely false either.  I told him "without sadness, happiness isn't as meaningful", and he nodded as he always does when I say something crazy like that.. but I don't think he really understands its significance to me. I have had a lot of happy things happen in my life... but I've had more sad ones.. if it were the other way around, I would be a typical woman who took her happiness for granted. He can't understand that... but Dorian can.. I think he feels the same way.

It's hard for someone like me to ignore what people say.. not because I care what they think, but because it just affects me so much. I suppose I am easy to hurt, if you know the right buttons to push, and some people can do it without trying at all.. a lot of folks use this to their advantage.. and I hate to sound like a girly princess, but it's nice to have someone to protect me.. Simon just isn't that person.. but Dorian is. I can rant to him, and he won't tell me to stop being so sensitive. He just listens, and that's all I need.  But it doesn't make things any less complicated. There are times where I feel like Simon actually needs me, instead of just wanting me.. and that scares me a bit.

I know my life will never be less complicated, because in order for that to happen, I would have to be alone, and that's something that terrifies me. I can't stand the thought of being by myself.. I spent so much time alone in the past, locked away, in pain and miserable... I'd do anything to keep that from happening again. I just wish things were more clean-cut, and that loose ends could be tied and not come unravelled. I've found my place for my career.. I've decided that I will die a Dragon unless they get rid of me first. And Dorian has promised to stay by my side no matter what.. I just wish that my personal life was so decided. Dorian has promised to stay by me in that aspect too, no matter what, even if Mikado isn't dead.. but that doesn't make things with Simon any less complicated.

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